When Corey comes to see me he is consumed with hurt and rage. Two years ago his partner, Lyle, ā€œwho was the love of my life,ā€ abruptly moved out of their home and disappeared while Corey was at work. In the following days Corey discovered that Lyle had...

Q: I come from a family of loud, working-class Italians who say what we feel when we feel it. My boyfriendā€™s family are upper middle class New Englanders who never raise their voices, say anything ā€œinappropriateā€ or express anger directly. I shout and yell when Iā€™m mad, and...

Q: I used crystal meth daily for years and have been trying to recover from my addiction for a couple of years. I go to Twelve Step meetings almost every day, and I think Iā€™m working a good program. But I canā€™t stay away from tina for longer...

In a recent column (ā€œThe Power of Mindfulnessā€) I mentioned that research is now underway to determine whether or not mindfulness meditation practice can slow the progression of HIV. Several people asked for more information about this, so what follows is a more detailed discussion of the question.

Mindfulness...

The great philosopher Lily Tomlin once said ā€œHumanity invented language out of a deep need to complain.ā€ Itā€™s sad that the most intelligent and adaptable species on the planet is also, by and large, the most miserable. We seem to be wired in a way that makes unhappiness...

In the current issue of Out magazine Los Angeles journalist Michael Joseph Gross offers a lengthy and thoughtful ā€œcost benefit analysisā€ of our online ā€œquest to get laid.ā€ Itā€™s getting a lot of attention and is remarkable for its honesty and insight.

Gross begins by acknowledging that ā€œOnline cruising...

Anyone can understand why people might be afraid of failure, but is it really possible that some people are actually afraid of success? One of the most difficult aspects of human nature to understand is the strange and widespread tendency of so many to sabotage themselves, to shoot...

Q: Iā€™m really worried about my anger. I have a terrible temper that makes me explode at people, and I canā€™t control it. In August I had to leave a job because of it, and it seems to be getting worse. Lately Iā€™ve had some ugly scenes with...

Is there a divide between HIV positive and HIV-negative gay men? Have we become two separate communities? Some men think so.

Nick, a 30-year-old man whoā€™s been positive for four years feels it whenever he cruises online. He says ā€œIt hurts to read ads that say ā€˜Iā€™m drug and...

Nothing, it seems, begins with more hope and promise than romantic love, or more consistently ends in pain and disappointment. No high compares to the exhilaration of falling in love, when two people seem to melt completely into one another. Unfortunately, that early phase doesnā€™t last forever, and...

At a party, Jack sees a hot guy that he desperately wants to meet. Immediately, all his walls go up. Heā€™s outgoing and friendly to everyone else in the room, but avoids making any eye contact with the man who interests him the most, and makes sure he doesnā€™t go...

As I mentioned in the first column in this series, the most common question I hear from gay men is ā€œHow can I find a boyfriend?ā€ Occasionally I respond by asking ā€œDo you really want a partner, or would you just like to have one? Some men think they want...

The previous columns in this series focused on establishing the personal values and doing the inner work which help create the capacity for intimacy. This time weā€™ll shift the emphasis from the internal to the interpersonal, and discuss a quality which is important in making loving connections with...

In the previous two columns on the psychological foundations of intimacy I talked about three core values which are indispensable ā€“ self awareness, self-acceptance and integrity. I also discussed the importance of facing and resolving the wounds from our past. As Jack Kornfield has written, in order to...

Last time I said that the most frequent question I hear from gay men is ā€œHow can I find a boyfriend?ā€ I discussed three core values which are essential foundations of the capacity for intimacy: self-awareness, self-acceptance, and integrity. This week Iā€™d like to highlight a fourth value ā€“ coming...

How can I find a boyfriend?" This is by far the most frequently asked question I hear from gay men. Over and over men tell me that, while sex is typically plentiful and easy to get, the kind of intimate partnership with another man that they long...

At first, Kevinā€™s concern about having safe sex seemed to reflect a reasonable and healthy desire not to contract HIV. Gradually, though, his fears grew in intensity, until he reached a point where, after every sexual experience, he felt terrified that somehow he had turned positive, regardless of how safe...

Q I had a horrible break-up with my boyfriend a few years back. He got heavily into crystal meth and alcohol, and suddenly I was the enemy. He assaulted me verbally every day, and physically more than once. He slandered me to my friends and even tried to get me...

Research shows that this minority orientation has the following profile:

1) The trait is a ā€œstable bimophism.ā€ It occurs in all human populations as two orientations, expressed behaviorally.
2) About 92 percent of the population has the majority orientation, and 8 percent has the minority orientation.
3) The historical evidence suggests...

Q: My boyfriend broke up with me almost five years ago, but I still canā€™t get over what he did to me. We had an open relationship, but he still lied to me about how many other guys he was fucking, and broke all the agreements we made. He lied...

Alan is afraid of his anger because ā€œit makes me go off on my boyfriend whenever he annoys me.ā€ Ron is afraid of his sexual feelings, because when they come up ā€œI canā€™t stop myself from having unprotected sex.ā€ Paul stays away from most social situations because his shyness is...

I received a number of responses to a recent column (ā€œCan I get Sober Without AA?ā€) in which I wrote that, for some problem drinkers, a return to controlled drinking is a realistic goal. Some readers were skeptical, a few were angry, and others asked for more information. As Pride...

For more than 25 years, the issue Iā€™ve seen most frequently in my work with gay and lesbian clients is depression. Other therapists have reported the same pattern. In Loving Someone Gay, the first book to address our mental health concerns, psychologist Don Clark called depression a major mental health...

Q: Iā€™ve been an alcoholic for several years, and itā€™s starting to mess up my life. Iā€˜m less effective at work, and Iā€™ve had some fights with my boyfriend about my drinking. I went to a few AA meetings, but what they do isnā€™t for me! You see, I was...

Q: My lover and I have been together for a year, and got an apartment together six months ago. We're in a committed, monogamous relationship, and I consider him my husband. We're doing well, but he does one thing that drives me up the wall. He's in almost daily email...

We queer people, collectively, are a tribe which carries some profound wounds. Weā€™ve been wounded in our connection to our bodies through cultural messages about our sexuality that induce shame and guilt. Weā€™ve been wounded in our connection to the spiritual dimension of life, through religious doctrines that tell us...

Greg comes to my office to discuss what he suspects is a serious problem. He describes himself as shy and misanthropic, and also wonders if he suffers from major depression.

Unlike most of his friends, Greg doesnā€™t enjoy going to parties or bars. He finds the conversational banter in those environments...

Q: Iā€™m a 35 year old woman whoā€™s made some bad choices in relationships. My first two girl friends were alcoholics and addicts, and my most recent one has a severe panic disorder. Iā€™ve labeled myself ā€œco-dependentā€ without really knowing much about what that word really means. One of my...

Last time I wrote critically of the projections, fantasies and unrealistic espectations which so often accompany romantic love, and said that romance, while itā€™s one of the great adventures in life, is still an early and often immature phase of love. Several readers wrote asking me to explain what I...

George Bernard Shaw once said ā€œThere are two great disappointments in life: not getting what you wantā€”and getting it.ā€ This remark reminds me of the two most common questions I hear from gay men. The first is ā€˜How can I find a lover?ā€™ The second, once they find one, is...

Iā€™ve met very few people who donā€™t have a deeply ambivalent relationship to money. On the one hand, we spend most of our waking hours trying to earn it. Most of us assume we donā€™t have enough and believe (usually erroneously, I think) that weā€™d be a lot happier if...

Q: When my boyfriend and I moved in together last year, he only did it on the condition that I promise to be monogamous with him. At first we argued about it because Iā€™ve never understood why heā€™s so hung up on being sexually exclusive with one man.. For me,...

This film takes us back to the basics.

The dual themes are huge and simple: love and the terror of it. A sprout of love that is playful, tender, rough and hot struggles to thrive in terrain that is bleak, forbidding, silent and cold. Along the way we see the terrible...

In this final installment of three columns examining Seattle psychologist John Gottmanā€™s research on successful relationships, the focus is on what he discovered about how successful couples approach conflict resolution.

One of his most startling discoveries was that the majority of conflicts in successful relationshipsā€”69 percent to be exactā€”are never resolved...

The last column summarized some of Seattle psychologist John Gottmanā€™s ground-breaking research into what makes relationships work and what makes them fail. To recapitulate briefly, he identified four patterns of conflict which, if unchecked, are so lethal to a relationship that he termed them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse....

Understanding internalized homophobia is important for the emotional well-being of all queer people. Twenty-five years of listening to the stories of gay men has convinced me that few, if any of us, are able to grow up in our culture without internalizing at least some of the negative messages we...

Iā€™m in my 50ā€™s and the looks are basically gone. A picture of a young man and his dog sits on the mantle (one that was taken during my modeling years) but new friends canā€™t believe itā€™s me, and will often gasp and tell me what a handsome man I...

Q: Earlier this year I joined a gym to do something about my body. It made me feel more inferior than ever, and I quit after going just a few times. It was a mostly gay gym, and all the muscle boys were posing and cruising each other. No one...

From a reader: My other half is driving me crazy. I canā€™t seem to make him happy no matter what I do. He wants all my time and attention and if he doesnā€™t get it he makes me feel like Iā€™m neglecting him and like Iā€™m a bad lover. I...

From a reader:
Hey Tom: Iā€™m just the opposite of the guy in your last column (ā€œIā€™m Only Attracted to Younger Guys,ā€ SF Bay Times, Aug. 11, 2005) For as long as I can remember, Iā€™ve only been turned on by guys who are much older than meā€”usually by about...

Q: Iā€™m a 42-year-old guy whoā€™s never had a relationship thatā€™s lasted longer than a few months. Thatā€™s because Iā€™m only attracted to really hot, muscular guys (especially Italian or Middle Eastern), in their early twenties. I hook up with a lot of young guys who like older men, but...

Q: Iā€™m trying to find a psychotherapist, but Iā€™ve never been in therapy before, and Iā€™m not sure how to go about it. How do I find the right one? Which kind of therapy has the highest success rate? Should I see a queer therapist, or does it matter?

A: Psychotherapy...

From a reader:
ā€œIā€™m a very good looking guy. People say I have movie star good looks, and more than once Iā€™ve been approached to do porn movies. Everywhere I go, people stare. I canā€™t go into a bar for a drink and sit in the back without being...

What makes people happy? No question is of more practical importance to all of us. In recent decades, researchers have studied the happiness of lack of it or more than a million people in every age group and in almost every culture in the world. Two psychologists, David Myers and...

Christian de la Huerta is a man with a vision. Cuban-born, and displaced by Castroā€™s revolution, he achieved in the U.S. all the trappings of success ā€“the hot lover, high-paying job, fabulous condo, sports car, Armani suits. Abruptly one day, feeling the emptiness of his life, and responding to an...

Aaron has a dilemma. He was raised as a member of a religious sect whose founder is revered by the faithful as a prophet and a saint, and whose every word is regarded as Absolute Truth. Aaron grew up feeling deeply connected to the sect. He had a sense of...

A while back I participated in an interesting project with the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. When participants in their Gay Life program were polled about what subjects they wanted to see addressed in workshops, one of the more frequently mentioned topics was ā€œsexuality and spirituality.ā€ I was asked to co-facilitate...

Queers seem to be quite a problem for religions these days. Increasing numbers of us are actually participating, on the outrageous assumption that we have every right to do so. Worse yet, we just canā€™t be polite and tasteful about it. We are openly affectionate with our partners, we, expect...

Iā€™m often amazed at how many gay men, who have been open for years about who they are, and who outwardly have no conflicts with their sexuality, still harbor private, pathologizing theories about why theyā€™re gay. In the privacy of the therapy hour, Iā€™ll often hear statements like ā€œIf my...

Q: I was with Tim, the love of my life, for 15 years, and he died 15 years ago this month. The years I spent with him were the happiest of my life. We knew he was HIV positive, but he was the kind of guy who never gets sick,...

Last week I walked around the corner from my office to a neighborhood coffee shop where Iā€™ve been going for years... As soon as I walked in, I had the feeling that something had changed. ā€œItā€™s so quiet in here,ā€ I thought. Why was that? There was sound from the...

Whenever I look at the ā€œmen-for-menā€ personal ads, whatever the venue, itā€™s apparent that there are at least two distinct classes of ads. There are those focused on relationships and intimacy, (ā€œSeek candlelight dinners and long quiet walks in the fireplace,ā€) and those looking for partners to act out sex...

ā€œI canā€™t find a relationship,ā€ says the man in my office, forlornly. He does have many relationships with long-standing and valued friends and family members, but these relationships donā€™t count. Love must be a sexual romance or it isnā€™t a ā€œrelationship.ā€ This lament seems to be especially acute for single...