Matthew Martin, columnist Pollo Del Mar and Heklina of The Golden Girls stage celebrate New Year’s Eve at Trannyshack: L.A.

Notorious Sainted Glamazon About Town

Whomever started the tradition of kissing that special someone in your life at midnight on New Year’s Eve needs a good, old-fashioned bitch-slapping!  As a modestly superstitious soul, the whole idea - you know, that not swapping spit with the one you love at the stroke of 12 on January 1, means an imminent year of loneliness - has led me to an adult life filled with undue stress, unmet expectations and/or desperately seeking unsuspecting victims to make good on the social pressure this time of year brings.

Somehow I successfully lost count of the number of times I’ve felt like a complete failure for not having anyone to kiss when the ball dropped in Times Square. Even worse, it seems, were those occasions I found myself puckering up for an obviously wrong man. After all, the promise of a year of bliss seems like an awfully heavy burden to slap on a solitary smooch from Mr. Right Now (or, in more than one alcohol-infused instance, Mr. I’ll-Regret-This-By-Morning).

So thank God for Trannyshack! Last year, for the first time in recent memory, I knew exactly where I would ring in the New Year – and felt absolutely no need to lock lips with anyone to do so. 

Scarcely a month after winning the Miss Trannyshack Pageant, I performed at the club’s last, regular Tuesday night New Year’s Eve show. With The Stud filled to capacity, which nobody can say about the venue since Trannyshack closed its doors in August, I remember being packed in the tiny dressing area next to the stage. All around me were performers who made the club legendary during its 12-year reign. To me, there was something truly magical about counting down the final seconds of 2007 with the likes of Putanesca, Peaches Christ, Precious Moments and more.

This year I will again be celebrating New Year’s Eve with the gang from the ‘Shack. Only this go ‘round, we are taking Los Angeles by storm. My first performance of 2009 will also be my Southern California debut! In addition to reuniting with Golden Girls castmates Heklina and Matthew Martin, whose “Blanche” gamely delivered a hysterical lapdance to birthday boy Troy Udulutch during the play’s final, sold-out weekend, the show also brings Puta, Miss Trannyshack 2006 Raya Light, Squeaky Blond and many more Trannyshack favorites to L.A.’s Medusa Lounge.

My drag daughter Sandra O. Noshi-Di’n’t and I are hitting the open road the day before on a wig-and-a-prayer. My imagination filled with visions of passing motorists catching sight of our synthetic hair blowing in the wind as we roar through The Grapevine, I originally wanted to make the trip To Wong Foo-style. However, given the very real possibility my tiny compact (car, that is, not make-up) could expire anywhere along the way, I decided it would be a safer bet to save the all-drag, cross-country escapade for Easter Weekend. 

That’s when the 13th-annual Trannyshack: Reno excursion sees two busloads of eager queens, cross-dressers and their admirers set out in all their glory for “The Biggest Little City in the World.” Though last year was my first, the journey easily ranks among my favorite experiences of 2008. The personal highlight was bonding with another of my children, reigning Miss Trannyshack Star Search Anjie Myma. Apparently nothing brings people together like 120 drag queens, many drunk beyond any legally-allowed or medically-advisable level, piling into two land yachts for a drug-laced, five-hour drive!

This year should be even more exciting. Lady Bear - whose inebriated antics at a McDonald’s at the midway point of the trip earned her one of the weekend’s two “Best Drunk” awards - and I step in for Peaches to cohostess the second bus. With Renttecca and partner Jizzandra (wo)manning the other, it’s going to be off-the-hook!

Of course, I expect nothing less amazing from our New Year’s Eve show either. Last year, by special request from Heklina, I performed my twisted take on disco favorite “Turn the Beat Around.” Rest assured, chugging a blender full of pickled beets to the classic beats of Vicki Sue Robinson virtually guarantees a girl won’t be securing the requisite New Year’s tongue-tango, even if someone was interested beforehand!

This year, I’ll be going all Sapphic to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.”  Hey, I might still wind up alone when midnight strikes, but at least I’m opening up my options!

Contact “The Glamazon” through MySpace, Facebook or Email:  Pollo_DelMar@yahoo.com.