Jenny Scaringe, Pollo Del Mar and Carly Ozard discussed the former Miss Golden Gate’s July 19 one-woman show.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered from “F.O.M.O.” – fear of missing out. That feeling that just when I might go to sleep is when something magical, special, fun will happen frequently keeps me awake late into the night. Often pushing myself to the point of exhaustion, I still - invariably - miss some brilliant moment. Last Saturday was a prime example!

Performing at The Monster Show with Cookie Dough and heavy metal cohostess Ethel Merman, followed by the House of Glitter’s descending on Baghdad Café, meant foregoing “Bear-barella,” the latest Midnight Mass production from Peaches Christ. (I still regret only hearing tale of faux king L. Ron Hubby pulling an American flag from his vagina the week before!) Sacrifices are sometimes necessary though, right? I was completely unaware I would also miss another of summer’s sure-to-be-scandalized moments across town!

I first caught wind of it Sunday at Marlena’s. Packed with well-wishers celebrating the birthday of reigning Grand Duchess Big D, everyone was really buzzing about John Weber’s meltdown the night before. Emperor XXXVI, less-than-pleased with the sketch commissioned to commemorate his reign, made it known to all at the Hayes Valley Follies show. “He said the picture makes him look white,” confided one person who saw it all go down. “He was so upset, he was crying!”

While John feels the drawing is pigment-deficient, the part that threw me is how thin it makes him seem! Let’s face it: John-Jon hasn’t skipped a meal lately. (Maybe the artist thought he’d balance it out by making Empress XLIII Cher-a-Little so puffy?) The Emperor insists the image be redone to better reflect his “culture.” His frustration seems justified. The last time I saw a sketch like that, it had “Wanted” written underneath it! Since that image looks nothing like the one-time Mr. Gay San Francisco, I have to wonder how accurately the other sketches reflect the previous 42 Empresses and 36 Emperors?!

As I grazed at - err, “enjoyed” - the buffet provided by The Puppy Palace, I hob-nobbed with everyone from San Jose’s Empress Deliciously Cunty and Grand Duke Oliver-with-a-Twist to Empress XXXIII Alexis Miranda and Paul “Maka” Poole. I could barely suppress a giggle when Pushy Phyllis = Big D’s roommate for the last 18 years - introduced herself for the umpteenth time as “an old Empress.” Having reigned 27 years ago, a truer statement has never been made!

With “Mr. Royal Bunny” Tim Valdivia - considering a run for Grand Duke when applications become available later this month - I headed out just as The Renegades joined the fray. Fresh off winning first-place in the Gay Softball League play-offs, John Carrillo and the boys are headed to the Gay World Series in Seattle next month. Good luck!

Tim and I found Aunt Charlie’s equally festive. Quite a crowd turned out to honor the 14-year union and four year marriage - of Grand Duchess XVII Collette LeGrande and Richard Horton. With Grand Duchess XXVI Kristy Cruise behind the bar and performances by Grand Duchess XXXIV Renita Valdez, the gorgeous Minnie Minerva, “Miss Debutante” Donna Personna and more, it was a lovely affair. It was a particular joy to catch up with Sophylia Leggz. The Grand Duchess XXXII is sweet as pie!

Within an hour, though, I was running on empty. My week started full-throttle Wednesday. After BRAIN FARTS, the weekly trivia show I cohost with “Miss Gay San Francisco” BeBe Sweetbriar, I hit Booty Call at the Bar on Castro with Bubba Del Mar, reigning “Miss Royal Bunny” Brieona Cracker, the seemingly long-lost Sandra O. Noshi-Di’n’t. En route, we bumped into Carly Ozard. The 2006 holder of the Miss Golden Gate title, which is up for grabs again the first week of August, makes her one-woman cabaret debut Friday, July 19, at Octavia Lounge. Bitter & Be Gay, written by America’s Got Talent alum Shawn Ryan, chronicles Carly’s experiences dating not one but several men who later came out of the closet! Console the poor dear by getting your ticket soon. It’s gonna sell out!

The whirlwind whisked me through to an appearance on The Gay Dating Game. Can I tell you how glad I was to lose to Sasha of the Gay Mafia on BeBe’s Thursday night gig at The Mix? Competing for one very intoxicated bachelor’s affection, Sasha and I agreed the real winner was Sandra, eliminated first. Leaving Sasha to her new beau, Sandra and I went Sapphic to blend in with the ladies at 12 Galaxies.

Lesbian rocker L.P. and opening act The Ice Cream Socialites put on an uh-MAY-zing show! How hot is ICS trans frontman Rocco Katastrophe?! Not to slight his cohort Jenna Riot, but with his work appearing on The L Word and all over LOGO, this seriously-sexy hip-hopper is on his way up! No wonder he makes the girls “Drip Drop.” Turns out he and DJ Rapidfire, who I met a few weeks back at the Stop AIDS Project’s Sunday poz T-dance Revolution, are an item. You go, girl!

So by early Sunday, even with the Castro bumping and parties continuing into the night, I’d had enough. As much as I hate the idea of missing out, there’s something I fear far more. Nothing’s more humiliating than a drag queen that dozes off in public.

Contact Pollo at: Pollo_DelMar@yahoo.com