|Pic above: the guys chilling between numbers at the BGFH. Below: Zach and Ethel take the stage. Hey, Zach! Socks usually go on the feet! Photo by Kevin Goegbel
The Big Gay Frat House threw their monthly fundraising bash, â€śGirl Drink Drunk,â€ť on Aug. 4 to benefit CUAV (Community United Against Violence), with Ethel Merman taking over the femcee duties while Trauma was accompanying Judy Garland at the New Conservatory Theater. Hey, I just realized how in so many ways that sentence could confuse people. Ethel and Judy are not zombies raised from the dead. These are female icons that Mark Sargent and Connie Champagne, respectively, impersonate. And Trauma is not shock nor distress, but rather the drag character Trauma Flintstone portrays when not being Joe Collins the guy. Girl Drink Drunk is just as it says: an open bar and two live shows with a rowdy, fun-loving audience. There. That should clarify things. That night, the five frat boys wore matching black and white prison-striped rugby shirts. And I should mention the custom of tipping heavily to get the bartender to take off his tee shirt emblazoned with the words: â€śMake cocktails. Not war.â€ť As the tips pour in, the sarong he wears gets pulled up more and more. Is it so wrong to wear a sarong?!
I am thrilled to report that the show area is really coming along, what with the newly installed stage lighting with pink gels no less! As the song, â€śHooray for Hollywoodâ€ť played, Ethel made her big entrance. And I do mean â€śBIG!â€ť That red wig was so high and wide, she called it a hair hard-on. She belted out live â€śThese Boots Were Made for Walkingâ€ť as she strutted the stage appropriately. Then the gossip fest began: â€śTrauma canâ€™t be here because sheâ€™s having sex with someone she met on craigslist.â€ť Ethel informed us that Trauma makes her dresses out of curtains and tablecloths. She said Trauma is much thinner these days, because she has a meth lab in her bathroom. Then she jokingly explained the beneficiary for the evening was CUAV: â€śCommunity United Against Vaginas.â€ť
Ruski goddess Katya Ludmilla Smirnoff-Skyy was dressed in a silky black gown adorned with a mink wrap. Say, doesnâ€™t she realize that fur is murder (to dry clean?). Singing live â€śTotal Eclipse of the Heartâ€ť and literally â€śturning aroundâ€ť to those lyrics, â€śTurn around, bright eyes.â€ť â€śOnce upon a time there was light in my life; now thereâ€™s only vodka in the dark,â€ť she musically lamented.
One of the fabulous features of Girl Drink Drunk is sexy studs stripping. For the first act it was Danny doinâ€™ some shit-kickinâ€™ strippinâ€™ in his cowboy duds. He has the cutest little fuzzy glory trail going from belly button to crotch. He took off his ten-gallon hat, wife-beater undershirt, and jeans, dancing around in just his white 2(x)ist briefs. His impish smile was utterly mesmerizing; but alas and alack, it was not the full Monty, which we were promised would come in the second act. Garza returned in a full-length black trench coat and black turkey feather boa for her hair. Stripping off the coat, she lipped â€śStrong Enoughâ€ť and revealed an outfit quite similar to the risquĂ©, translucent fishnet bodysuit that Cher wore during her video on that aircraft carrier. When she â€śsangâ€ť Cherâ€™s lines, â€śWas she worth it?â€ť Garza pointed straight at Sister Dana. â€śYou gotta go!â€ť she uttered in disdain. We all wanna know how ever does Garza do that awesome tuck job?! Yowzah, Garza!
Katya came back to sing her broken Russian-English version of â€śAnd I Am Telling You (Iâ€™m Not Going)â€ť where she told us she was not going â€¦ to Alcoholics Anonymous, and added Amy Winehouseâ€™s â€śThey Try to Make Me Go to Rehabâ€ť with the Russian rebel singing, â€śNyet, nyet, nyet!â€ť and toasting us with her voddie cocktail. She even took a sip of citron vodka from an unsuspecting audience member. Ethel returned to sing Rick Jamesâ€™ â€śSuper Freak,â€ť the kind you donâ€™t take home to mother. She had a sweet go-go boy, Zach Enea in baby blue biker briefs, working behind her and working her behind.
The second act began after everyone downed a few more girlie-girl cocktails (Iâ€™d love to see those little paper umbrellas in our Girl Drink Drunk drinks: hint hint). Ethel opened doing a duet with Katya. Ms Smirnoff-Skyy had changed into a shimmering silver sequined mini-dress; whereas Ethel wore the SAME red and black outfit. For shame. And she dares to criticize Truama for her kooky couture?! Heeheehee.
Wes Brady was the second stripper to make his ecdysiast effort, peeling off articles of clothing. He pantomimed a blowjob in my lap. Woof! When all he was wearing was black and grey striped boxers, he teased us by poking his finger through the fly, and then a dollar bill through the fly. He hit the floor and did some hot faux fucking, causing Ethel to confess, â€śIâ€™m feeling positively moist right now.â€ť
Garza returned in yet another fabulous outfit, mimicking a Vegas showgirl in a costume she made herself. It defied description, but Iâ€™ll try to describe it. Picture a bra and g-string made of three silver glittered triangles with jewels hanging from them and from her glitter cap topped by three white feathers and more jewels. The headdress was so high, it bent beneath the top of the canopy. She was literally dusting the ceiling with her feathers.
This was the perfect outfit for her â€śLe Jazz Hotâ€ť number from the musical Victor/Victoria. Julie Andrews never looked so smokinâ€™! Katya took the stage to sing an emotional â€śBridge Over Troubled Water,â€ť with her coloratura soprano occasionally dipping down to deep baritone. Ethel made the rude yet timely comment, â€śKatya is definitely the Interstate Highway 35 when it comes to bridges.â€ť What would it take for us to forgive that horrible reference? How about the two strippers coming back to do a duo?? Wes and Danny worked that stage together - dancing, bumping, grinding, shaking, teasing, doing a hiney reveal and butt crack exhibition. And what we were all praying for: TOTAL NUDITY! Yep, they were showing off their twigs and berries for all to admire. They started doing lap dances. Zach got tea-bagged â€“ balls to the forehead - and some lovely anonymous donor bought me a sweeeet lap dance from Danny. I almost dropped my tape recorder! Wowzers! For the curtain call, the entire cast joined Ethel in â€śI Just Want to Celebrate.â€ť The strippers made a reverse sandwich with Ethel in the middle as bread, and Wes & Danny as the meat. As a special treat, upstairs in the piano bar, Connie Champagne entertained as Judy Garland, while Joe Collins accompanied on the piano. Connie had all the Garland movements, mannerisms, and eccentricities down to perfection as she sang live her Garland version of the Hedwig song, â€śWig in a Box,â€ť as well as Aerosmithâ€™s â€śDream On,â€ť and â€śAll I Wanted Was the Dreamâ€ť from Peter Allenâ€™s musical, The Boy from Oz.â€ť We were definitely NOT in Kansas any more, Toto! We were at the Big Gay Frat House!!!