Trauma, Pollo, Anita, winner Artemis Chase, Garza, and AHA executive director Brian Basinger. Photo by Rink.

It’s one of the hottest new fundraising drag shows in town. It’s called “Girl Drink Drunk,” because the never-ending open bar with girlie-girl cocktails is so appealing – as are the performances – at the Big Gay Frat House in the Castro. In case people didn’t get the theme, the BGFH screened a classic segment of a Kids in the Hall TV skit, where one of the guys got hooked on umbrella drinks. On April 21, the beneficiary was SF AIDS Housing Alliance, founded by Brian Basinger, who realized if he was going to get any help in housing as an HIV survivor, he was going to have to create his own agency to help himself and so many other people with AIDS who are desperately trying to find an affordable home. This event was the search for Miss August in the Desperate Divas calendar for 2008, benefiting AHA. DJ Jim Strano spun way kewl tunes for dancing, and then the show began.

Femcee Trauma Flintstone, Miss April 2007, opened the entertainment lip-syncing “I’m A White Trash Girl” (“who needs a lowdown guy”), as sung by Candye Cayne. She sucked down half a Miller Lite and then shook the beer bottle, spraying the audience. She proved her trashiness by drinking half and half right outta the carton, followed by gulping big spoonfuls of mayonnaise and Crisco. Ew. Gag me. 

Garza, cover girl for the 2007 Desperate Divas calendar, lip-synced the gypsy-like “Never Dance” by Linda Eder with an Afro wig and red bra and skirt on, and later on changed into a sexy, slinky black dress and red flowers in her wig to do “Everybody’s Girl” by Debra Monk. When she questioned, “Wanna know why I could never be a cowhand’s girl?” and the audience responded, “Why?” she answered, “Because I just can’t seem to keep my calves together!”

Miss September 2007 Desperate Diva calendar girl Donna Sachet, dressed in red fringe (as always, representing the red in the rainbow), sang live “Le Jazz Hot” from the musical, Victor/Victoria, with special lyrics about the Big Gay Frat House. She returned later to do “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” but substituted her own lyrics about Girl Drink Drunk. Somehow I just know that somewhere Judy Garland was toasting this party. Anita Fixx, coordinator and ambassador for Desperate Diva calendars, wore a stunning black and white faux rabbit tail coat over her white faux leather bustier, singing about diva-hood. She even gave Sister Dana a lap dance. Woohoo!

Starr, co-ambassador for the Desperate Divas 2008 calendar and a calendar girl herself, performed “Hold Back the Night” by Sinead O’Connor with the lyrics “I want to walk into the light; day has turned cold; hold back the night. What will become of you and I? We had a dream. Don’t let it die.”

 Three contestants vied for the coveted August title. Steven Satyricon was the first entrant, wearing a pink clingy gown and white faux fur, holding a gigantic hand fan to hide her white-face makeup, and then revealing her Butoh-like face to do Madonna’s “Like It Or Not,” from her latest smash-hit album. The lyrics said it all: “This is who I am; you can like it or not; you can love me or leave me; but I’m never gonna stop, no-no-no!” Eventually she ripped her wig and silver outfit off to do the rest of the number as a guy in his scanty panties, wiping his makeup off to show his real face.

Artemis Chase was in black, high-heeled PVC boots and little black dress, lip-singing “It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay,” originally sung by Whitney Houston and covered by Madonna in this version. When Artemis “powdered her nose,” the music got faster and faster as the white stuff kicked in. She desperately searched for the other little baggy of speed, found it, and snorted it, getting most of it all over her nose and the stage floor. People clapped uproariously.

AnnA WarholA (yes, that’s how she spelled it; and yes, she was a serious Andy Warhol fan) from England wore a long black wig, chain metal bra and g-string to lip-sync Evanescence’s “Bring Me to Life” (the “Wake Me Up” number). She skillfully snapped a bullwhip and then juggled a couple of wiffle balls.  

Lucy Borden, former manager of The Cinch saloon, who has been a San Franciscan since 1992, will be traveling to Ireland very soon. We’ll miss her a lot, begorrah! In her lace-up boots and rhinestone encrusted “Lucy” belt, she did “Rip Her to Shreds” by Blondie. While lipping that, she literally ripped to shreds photos of Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears. Then she did “Lady-killers” by Lush: “When it comes to men like you, I know the score; I’ve heard it all before.” Pollo DelMar, Desperate Divas 2008 calendar sponsorship coordinator and ambassador, as well as reigning “Miss Trannyshack Star Search 2007,” wore sassy green pedal pushers and performed “Girlfriend” as sung by Avril Lavigne: “She’s so whatever,” lipped Pollo while tearing up the stage.

The interview portion of the contest then ensued. Steven Satyricon said he wanted to be Miss August because he loved to perform and raise money for AIDS Housing Alliance. Artemis Chase, hailing from Oregon, said she had her own personal experience of being on the verge of homelessness and felt that organizations similar to AHA kept her from being homeless. AnnA WarhollA said as a trans artist she wanted to break through and help this charity. After a break to refresh our cocktails, the audience voted Artemis Chase to become winner of the Miss August title. As she was being crowned by Trauma, she exclaimed, “This is the first time I’ve ever won in six years of trannydom!” She added, “I will make you all proud of me.” She told Bay Times, “I’m so happy and excited that I am now in a position that I can do more for the community with things I am really passionate about.”

The final performance was by Lucy doing Madonna’s “I Love New York.” Why the hell doesn’t Madam M love San Francisco? Obviously she has never been to Girl Drink Drunk! But she has her chance, because the next Girl Drink Drunk, benefiting the SF Lesbian/Gay Freedom Band, will be May 5th, which is Cinco de Mayo (in case you want to wear a Mexican costume, this will be your advance notice), and will feature tequila drinkies. Check out biggayfrathouse.com for the 411. Join your fabulous frat-boy hosts: David, Jon, Kevin, and Tim. Viva la tequila!!!