Tom Orr at his finest onstage.

What do you do if you are an incredibly talented actor/singer/ composer, and suddenly you find yourself on the brink of homelessness because your roommate confiscated months of back rent and went to jail leaving you in the lurch? Why you make like Judy Garland & Mickey Rooney and put on a show, of course. Which is exactly what Tom Orr did at Theatre Rhino for a one-night-only personal fundraiser on Mar 19. After all, Tom has done MANY a fundraiser for his friends, so why shouldn’t his friends do the same for him when he needed them? He opened the cabaret with a song to explain his housing predicament (set to music) and revealed his name is “Orr, but the ‘Wh’ is silent.” Anyone who knows Tom knows his awesome skill at writing hilarious song parodies. He sang to the tune of “Just In Time,” the biting lyrics that I paraphrase: “I went bust when I put my trust into a shady queen.” He spoke of his sexual proclivities and promiscuities to the tune of “I’m Just a Gal Who Cain’t Say No,” except in the decidedly male persona with his much more licentious lyrics. “I ain’t had much of a complaint; maybe I’m not a saint and need more restraint,” would explain his high school seduction of the entire wrestling team and coach. And what he did to “I Enjoy Being a Girl” from Flower Drum Song defies words. But I’ll try. Stripping off his overalls to reveal a silver sequin dress beneath, and slipping on a pair of stilettos and a wig, he sang of the joys of being strictly a he-male she-male over email. In other words, he got his jollies posting in Internet chat rooms as a sexy woman, getting straight men to jack off to his prurient prose. Of course, he realized the joke would be on him if it turned out the person posting back were a woman posing as a hot man. Then getting back into boy drag (bare-chested in pajama bottoms), he sang his same-sex version of “Somewhere That’s Green” from Little Shop of Horrors, changing the green house to a pink condo, while holding a scale model of his dream house.

Tom brought out the delightful Trauma Flintstone to sing “The Lady Is a Man” to the music of “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp.” Just look at the size of those hands, and is that a camel-toe or his glans poking through that gown? “She has a body that makes fellas squeal, but from the waist down, she won’t let you feel.” Trauma also sang her signature song, “Titty Fuck,” which is in the stages of becoming a full-tilt music video. In this number, Trauma pushed the hand microphone (representing “your one-eyed snake”) in and out of her falsies to illustrate the aforementioned sexual position. She also ravaged the men in the front row with those faux knockers of hers. There’s only one thing she wants: a string of pearls.
Then out came the gorgeous Katya Ludmilla Smirnoff-Skyy to pull a gag on unsuspecting Sister Dana, placing me on a chair as she sang her heart out (in her broken Russian accent) “And I Am Telling You I Am Not Going” from Dreamgirls.  And wouldn’t you know it, I’d have to be up onstage in front of God and everyone while having a really bad hair day. Anyway, it was hysterical, and I think she should be a candidate for American Drag Idol on TV. She’s never pitchy.

Unveiling a huge portrait of composer Stephen Sondheim, Tom did everything but worship it, and then sang a love song to the man. He then spoke of the CD he collaborated on, Simply Sondheim: a 75th Birthday Salute, available at kritzerland.com. Tom brought out Kim Larsen, a frequent stage companion of his, who sang a rich baritone “Not While I’m Around” from the musical Sweeney Todd. “Nothing’s gonna harm you,” Larsen sang, and we were somewhat reassured that somehow this housing crisis was going to get solved. Later on Larsen returned to duo with Tom in a number they did recently from Shopping: the Musical - all about cheating people out of their money as email handling-charge scammers.

Then out strolled Katya (with Trauma at the keyboards) wrapped in fur to sing a different version of “Broadway Baby” from Follies. This one was called “Moscow Baby” and related to her alleged Russian roots. I must say she filled out that silver sequin dress much better than Tom attempted to do earlier. Tom reappeared in full leather (Whew! That’s better!) to sing “Together, Wherever We Go” from Gypsy; but this version had him going in leather wherever he went. “We’re rather like birds of a feather,” he sang, “In foul or fair weather, we’re slathered in leather.” He further commented, “I don’t know how I’d survive without my cowhide.” Tom spoke fondly of his role as The Perky Little Porn Star in the production of Naked Boys Singing. And speaking of porn stars, that night was Tom’s coming out as Tom Lazzari, porn actor. While many of us knew his secret already, it was a bit of a shock to most. Yes, that wholesome man also had some hole! He talked about San Francisco’s mostly blasĂ© reaction to porn stars: “In this town, doing porn is like doing jury duty. It’s so not special anymore.” Maybe not, but his songs are surely special - with such lyrics as “When is it my chance? I’m down on my knees with ants in my pants.” And what he did with his version of “It’s a Hard Cock Life” from Annie is indescribable. Imagine what he does with “Ya Gotta Have a Gimmick” from Gypsy - on how to give the perfect blowjob: “You can slobber on his scrotum, help the guy unload ‘em; slurp till ya burp or he shoots; but ya gotta get a gimmick, if ya wanna play skin flutes!” Lazzari demonstrated his gimmicks by 1) very deep throating; 2) making a banana split out of the dick with hot fudge and whip cream; and 3) shoving an ice cube up his trick’s ass just before orgasm. Or as he musically put it: “if ya wanna blow men, do it like the snowmen; if ya wanna swallow, keep your gullet hollow; if ya wanna try it, don’t go on a diet!”

The tone changed for act two, with Orr’s woeful tale of becoming a speed freak and almost ruining his life with Tina – the slang for crystal meth - but eventually coming out on top by writing parodies about his addiction. For instance, he wrote a Hello, Dolly ditty with such lines as: “Goodbye, Tina! You’re not welcome in my bedroom any more; I’m through with you, Tina! Toodleloo, Tina! All that wasted time I won’t get back, you whack crack whore!” And then there was Disney’s “Under The Sea” from The Little Mermaid, turned into doomsday’s “Under the “T” (for Tina): “What are you doing? Who are you screwing? Two guys or three? Things that you never would have done suddenly seem like lots of fun! Your penis is really puny, ’cause ‘crystal-dick’ makes it shrink; you’re breaking a sweat on Muni; your shirt is soaked and you stink!” To David Rose’s “The Stripper,” Orr did a sexy burlesque with his own lyrics to The Producers’ “If Ya Got It, Flaunt It,” in which he showed, “No one likes a boaster or a bragger, but they love those strong and silent studs who swagger! My daddy told me each and every day: ‘Son, count your blessings, say your prayers and maybe you’ll be the first president who’s gay!” Katya and Trauma brought out their alter egos, Conrad Frank and Joe Collins, respectively, in a rare appearance in boy drag to do a witty duet of “Bosom Buddies” from Mame. Of course they changed the title to “Bossy Bottom” and made the naughty lyrics match the title. There were so many more witty, wild, wonderful parodies that, alas, lack of column space cannot record here, but I do want to quote something Orr once told me: “I’m too talented to be this poor. This starving artist thing sucks!” So true. And once Tom gets his housing situation solved, he should get someone to mount this “No Place Like Home” masterpiece as an off-Broadway musical revue - and finally get this talented guy some well-earned moolah!!!