Kinsey Sicks, our community’s favorite (and only) dragapella beautyshop quartet, gave us their hit feature at last year’s SF International LGBT Film Festival. Now, if you didn’t see the hilarious and melodious I Wanna Be a Republican at the June 2006 screening (or want to see it again—and who could blame you?) you have a second chance when it opens at the Roxie on Jan. 26. Do not miss this comical political musical extravaganza in four-part harmony! The talented a capella singing and dancing drag actresses—Rachel, Winnie, Trixie, and Trampolina—invite you to a side-splitting mock Republican fundraiser they once held in SF at the Broadway Theatre, where they skillfully skewered all those supposed ed “family values” that truly decent people have come to despise and reject for the hipper and more spiritually satisfying SAN FRANCISCO VALUES. This is the Kinsey Sicks’ first live concert film, and it’s not only entertaining—itt’s a morale booster for those who morally do not believe in the Iraq war and the immorality of the ShrubCo Administration. It should be on a required list for the training of happy liberals and those who believe in the freedom to laugh.

The movie begins with peppy convention music while the girls are backstage—out of drag and getting into makeup. They then open in face with their catchy national anthem, singing,  “Life is a party, and the Grand Old Party is a party where I want to be.” Their slogan: “Foster Our Country’s Unity or FOC-U!” Contributions to their “fundraiser” will help eradicate those pesky things such as Social Security, evolution, and pleasure,” assures Winnie. “I’m so fornicate to be here,” says daffy, dizzy Trampolina, establishing her character quite clearly. Periodically the quartet will ask the audience to say along with them overtly anti-liberal phrases. Feel free at the Roxie to shout along—like itt’s The Rocky Horror Republican Show. Winnie keeps promising that Dubya will be arriving any moment to deliver “his first ever coherent public policy address.”

Each of the Kinseys gives her own personal testimonial of how she came to become Republican—in monologue and song. The Kinseys feel very free to harass the audience as a whole as well as individual audience members—such as the work-over they accomplish on our own Mark H. of the Men of Discipline during their humping and stalking number while Rachel tries to make the poor victim her husband. They will use the f-word frequently, and I ainin’t talkin’ “faggot,” Mr. Isaiah W. This is a very dirty show, as we will learn from Trixie as she reveals her past with her one-woman USO ‘ho show with horny soldiers, where she was “between Iraq and a hard place.” She will sing a takeoff on Charlene’s country song, “I’ve Been to Paradise, But I’ve Never Been to Me,” with her original lyrics, “I’ve been through parasites, but I’ve never had V.D.”

Winnie is up next, confessing her past as a lesbian who accidentally tripped over her turkey baster, got knocked up, and couldn’t get an abortion. The camera then pans the audience to find a row of dykes holding up placards stating: “Lesbians For Bush,” but I don’t think they are referring to the president in this case. You will weep (in hysteria) when Winnie speaks of her former affair with upper echelon government official “Blondeleeza”—that had to end for the sake of the Republican anti-gay cause. Winnie now sublimates sex with OCD tidying of the house, getting off on Pine Sol and Windex.  

Trampolina apparently heard from God while breakfasting and reading her Alpha-bits cereal. You have to realize that, although she wears a brunette beehive, she is very blonde beneath. God “told” her she needed to re-register Republican. Her conversion was also a religious experience, so she takes us all to church: Glory Hole-alleuia! Get down on your knees 
 and pray with her.

Politically Correct homo folks should stay away from this movie, because the Sicks really do a job on us queers. And it’s extremely humorous if you have a sense of humor. For instance, note their advice to “invite a homo to your party,” since he can decorate and cook and serve your food, and then disappear in the background. As Republicans, the K-Sicks are vehemently against gay marriage, which they sing in their funny, bigoted version of “We Shall Overcome.” They repeat the chorus, “Gays should never come.” Join them in their racist anthem: “All the right places have white faces, and all the white faces are in the right places.” These traditional values may not be yours, and they are certainly not those of the actors, but these characters really nail the “family values” gang with their biting satire.

Their version of “We Are the World” will both shock and amuse you. Again, I must strongly advise people lacking the humor gene to stay away. But those of us “who get it” should come in droves. These are ALL original tunes—mostly composed by Rachel. They are delivered with snappy, crisp diction and perfect pitch and phrasing—not to mention the over-the-top mugging and bizarre choreography. And be sure to stay through the very end of the credits, or you will miss the actors out of drag and out of character speaking their truths. I wanna worship the Kinsey Sicks!!!!!