Margaret Cho surprised the crowd with a spectacular fan dance.

On behalf of the Good Vibrations president/CEO Theresa Sparks, Bay Times was invited to the annual Good Vibrations Holiday Ball on Dec. 14 at Club NV. It was a fabu fundraiser for the Center for Sex and Culture. The theme was all about sweets at the Good Vibes Goodie Shoppe, and some lucky guests received a golden card much like in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - except this prize was a bagful of Good Vibes products ranging from exotic vibrators to erotic massagers (the Fukuoku 9000: “making your fingers work 9,000 times better,” as the package promised) to pink riding crops. There was a sweet shop upstairs where you could spin a wheel and win sweet prizes such as a paddle in the shape of a lollipop or ear candy in the form of a compact disc. Boxes and boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts were set out for anyone to freely devour.

Emcee Carol Queen, co-director of the Center for Sex and Culture, wore a very proper top hat and ringleader outfit to open the festivities by introducing the fashion show, the Lick Your Lips collection by Jack Davis. Then there was dancing on the floor for the celebrants and dancing onstage by the performers who were dolled up in all manner of sexy, scanty attire. On the dance floor people had fashioned wild, erotic costumes or wore very little clothing at all. These were the wonderful, somewhat wacky clientele and workers of Good Vibes, after all, and the focus was on good times and decadence. Of course there was the garden variety of SM fetish gear, but many attendees took advantage of the theme and wore various sweets on their persons. For instance, there were the Juju-bee girls who were each half boxes of Jujube candy and half bees with their black and yellow stripes, antennas, and stingers. If you wanted scientific intelligence, you found it in the group dressed as sugar molecules. Nuns from The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Inc. were out in full force. Sister Tilly Cums Again wore a huge white frosted cupcake on her head and matching cupcakes for her brassiere, complete with a cherry on each nipple. Sister Mable Syrup, the Nun Too Sweet, wore a pie tin with candy canes coming out on her head. There were bunnies and kittens and bears (oh my!) and all sorts of other animal costumes. And of course a veritable Whitman’s Sampler of drag queens and drag kings.

Margaret Cho, newest GV board member, longtime activist, and brilliant comedian, mesmerized everyone during her newest act, a bodacious burlesque. She took the stage in sensuous lingerie and a long, long string of pearls, holding two gigantic red feather fans to elegantly execute an old-fashioned fan dance. She coyly moved the fans ever so carefully, slowly slipping out of the gown and then leisurely pulling strings to remove her silk panties, all the while waving the fans strategically across her body (which has really slimmed down), dancing to high opera music. At last the teasing was over, and she dropped the fans to reveal she wore naught but two silver pasties with red tassels and that string of pearls (no, not THAT kind, you pervs) that outlined her full, pert bosom and her two fearsome dragon tattoos on her torso. But wait, there was something else. She had a penis. Actually it was a very very VERY realistic replica of a flaccid cock and balls (not those phony dildo types) with a patch of pubic hair peeping over the top. And “over-the-top” truly describes that act perfectly. “Margaret Cho is fucking awesome,” remarked Queen, and I heartily agree. After that act, what could be more fitting than a peppermint stick boy and girl dancing on stage to “I Touch Myself” by Divinyls?! “We love having these holiday parties with Good Vibes, because they are the most diverse, crazy, beautiful parties imaginable,” Queen told Bay Times. “We are so excited to have Margaret Cho with us tonight, but also our own hometown people are fabulous as well.” Supervisor Bevan Dufty said, “We have arrived at lesbian nirvana here. It’s so fun and so sexual in a city where there just aren’t enough lesbian clubs.” Regarding all the gay male eye candy, he told me, “Now that I have a boyfriend, I have to kind of put blinders on.”   

Two talented men who called themselves Las Chambelonas did a skit where they were young boys finding their Christmas presents under the tree -hobbyhorses. Not what they were hoping for. But when the theme from Hedwig came on, they took down their wigs from the shelf, turned on the tape deck, and put on makeup,” as the song goes. They sat at their individual vanities and made up right before us, transforming into two lovely ladies. Donning skimpy dresses and stepping into their cha-cha heels, they became two hotcha hoochie mamas dancing up a storm – from the Macarena to pop ‘n lock rock.

Cho came back out to do a set of standup comedy, advising everyone if they didn’t have vibrators to just sit on their washing machine during spin cycle. She confided that she did not mess around with wimpy vibrators. “If it doesn’t have a three-prong plug, I’m not interested,” she joked. She introduced comic Ian Harvie who said, “I hear about penis envy, but it’s not true for me. I’ve got three at home in my top drawer.” He continued, “People are trying to figure out why people like me maybe feel like they were born in the wrong body. It’s not science or genetics or biology. I’m from the northeast. I just want to pee my name in the snow.”  

The final act was King Jay Walker (an officially titled drag king) and his Cockavores (three fem girls and six drag kings). King Jay was actually Prince (with the pencil thin mustache) lip-syncing about wanting some chick’s creamy thighs and cherry pie in “Let’s Go” and “Erotic City” while his backup dancers simulated sex all over the stage. Barbara Garcila-sovelavega, events coordinator, wore what she called a “strategically small” outfit – a flesh-colored latex skirt and corset. She told Bay Times, “I am ecstatic over this event. The entertainment has been brilliant and everyone is having a really good time.” I certainly can’t argue with that, and eagerly anticipate Good Vibes’ next fabulous event.