|Cookie Dough and Monistat . Photo by Kevin Goebel
As 2006 begins its final countdown, the Cookie Dough Monster Show is still revving up its engines to entertain us with immeasurable talent and unabashed exhibition. The Monster Show presented âOld School Divasâ on Dec. 9 at Harveyâs. Monistat co-hosted with Cookie, but not before MC2 rocked the house with his vinyl magic. The show opened with Cookie Dough wearing the bedraggled wig that Holy McGrail made for her for her roast last time. That blonde ratâs nest had spiders and used, bloody (with red glitter) tampons hanging from it, with a visible sales tag of $3. She entitled her set, âEyes of Cookie Dough.â When she sang Barbra Streisandâs line, âIâm like a prisoner,â she went into spasms and collapsed. But she revived to welcome Monistat, who dressed the part of and sang a song by Yma Sumac. She was lovely in yards and yards of white tulle. In her black chacha heels, she danced and charmed us with her Latin warbling lip-syncing. Monistat and Cookie got into it about each otherâs age, since the show was old school; but Cookie dished Sister Dana, saying he was at the very first show at Harveyâs when they didnât have lights but had to use candles to light the stage. Then there was talk about the Ice Age and dinosaurs roaming the earth.
Honestly, these DQs can get soooo ugly. And I ainât talkinâ âbout their drag. Heehee.
Out came Ivy Drip for the first of her numbers in a long leopard-like coat. She was Lulu doing âShout,â as in âYou know you wanna make me shout,â stirring us into a frenzy and getting the audience to woot right along with her. Katya Ludmilla Smirnoff-Skyy was not herself that night.
She was Barbra Streisandâonly a Russian version, speaking and singing live with a broken Russian/Jersey Jew accent.
Monistat brought out her drag daughter, Pussy Putain, for her Monster Show debut. She lipped the classic, âI Wanna Be Evil,â with those memorable lines: âIâm tired of being pure and not chased,â and âI want to wake up with that dark brown taste; I wanna see some dissipation in my face, I wanna drink booze, and what Iâve got, I wanna lose.â Her black merry widow proved she was anything but pure, but there was just a touch of white lace for dĂ©colletage that showed she still had some purity left. And there was yet another DQ doing her Monster debutâAthena Arquez in a rust colored bodysuit. She just âcanât get enough of your love,â as the song goes. Cookie returned in another wigâthis time nicely styled and arachnid-freeeâto speak of the premiere of a new version of the old Waitresses song, âI Know What Boys Wantâ by Torsten Kretchmar. Cookie said we would probably know him from his previous piece, âEnschlossenheit.â Nope. Canât say as I recognize that one.
Anyway, Visa DeKlein did a flawless job of performing it in her sexy, black, see-through dress. âThey want to touch me; I like to tease them,â she lipped.
Monistat brought to the stage her dear friend, Maria Swallows, who was the perfect Glenn Close doing Gloria Swanson doing Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard with that dramatic number, âWith One Look.â Maria even made homage to Close in wearing an outfit with a pattern resembling Dalmatians. Woof woof! And of course that turbanâto die for! She was obviously on the verge of a nervous breakdown, because her elderly doctor kept examining her and giving her electro-cardio shock treatment. Ivy Drip reappeared in faux chinchilla to do one of the longest vamps of monologue I have ever heard in the song, âMaybe.â She told us she was madder than a wet hen at her boyfriend and kicked him out, but later regretted it, because âhe was inside meâ and âhe was everywhere.â
We were all simply ecstatic to hear that Suppositori Spelling had returned from London to weave her spell on us. She synced the hell outta Natalie Coleâs âLucy in the Sky with Diamonds,â looking dazzling in her French-twist blonde wig and elegant blue full-length wraparound gown. But apparently that LSD had a bad effect on her or maybe she just ate too many marshmallow pies; but she got a wild look in her eyes, stormed out of the bar and then crashed through the window next to the stage, upon which she writhed and pulled off her wig, having a fit and eventually collapsing. Welcome back, Spaz! We love you!
Cookie plugged her next gig, the â3rd Annual Celebrity CrackHouse Killer Drag Show on Dec. 23rd, 11:30pm at Harveyâs. Thereâs a picture of Heklina on the flyer: I wonder if sheâll actually show up or just go out rimming that night. Heeheehee. Luvya, Hekkles, mean-it. Cookie also spoke of her special New Yearâs Eve show, where she promised to wear a beehive and carry a gun. Stay tuned.
Visa returned wearing a black body stocking covered by the worldâs shortest silver micro-mini skirt. She was âAll Fired Up,â but the act was almost spoiled by this drunken straight chick furiously making out with a guy and falling down and pushing and stepping on peopleâs toes. It was so bad, she had to be 86ed. Guess what? We queers donât go to your Marina bars and suck face and act stoopid drunk; so kindly have the courtesy to not do so in our fag bars. Sister is now stepping off his soapbox. Anyway, Visa was fabulous and carried on despite the distraction, singing, ironically, âWe live and learn.â
The legendary Trauma Flintstone did a rare lip-sync. She usually sings live. But this was a rag-tag looking woman doing that suicidal âDonât Cry Out Loudâ by Melissa Manchester. She was walking an imaginary tightrope with her parasol to keep balance when one of her shills in the audience sprayed her with a giant water pistol and ruined her clothing. Why you ask? Well, to express those lyrics: Baby cried the day the circus came to town; âcause she didnât want parades just passinâ by her.... And if you werenât ready to end it all yet, she added, âDonât cry out loud; just keep it inside; learn how to hide your feelings.â Trauma tried to kill herself several times, including using scissors on her wrists. But then she had a change of attitude, ripped off her raggedy wig and crummy duds to reveal a tigress beneath. With the line, âFly high and proud,â she climbed up a ladder to receive a champagne shower by her shill. Astounding! Â
The final number was truly climactic with Landa Lakes, dressed and coiffed as Carol Channing in Hello Dolly. But she had her own dolly, a papier-mache hand puppet of a decrepit, crabby Carol C. Landa was a faboo faux ventriloquist in a hilarious takeoff of Mz Channingâs recent Bible belt booboo bashing of gays. Landa broke into Arethaâs âThinkâ and chastised the puppet, lipping âYou better think about what youâre trying to do to me,â eventually strangling the nasty little homophobic puppet. Old School meet New School: we queers ainât takinâ no shit! Youâd better give us the âR-E-S-P-E-C-Tâ we deserve!!