Contestants bared their fine butts for the laughing and screaming judges and feel-good crowd. Photo by Rink.

Krewe de Kinque brought out the purple, green, and gold, and got out their Mardi Gras beads! San Francisco’s only Mardi Gras krewe hosted their Mardi Gras event with the “Full Moon Contest” on Sept. 6. Held at the City’s own Metro Bar, this bimonthly event (that celebrates the full moon in the sky and the ones on stage) is hosted by King III Darryl Jansson (who will celebrate his 20th anniversary with husband and KdK member Dan Alexander) and Queen III Sr. Barbi Mitzvah. A rockin’ good time was had by all who attended. This animated event is organized to raise funds for the annual Mardi Gras Ball Masque fundraiser in February and for other GLBT organizations in the Bay Area. Past KdK events have also raised over $25,000 for Hurricane Katrina victims in the greater New Orleans area. The quest for the “Best Bay Area Butt” is a serious matter. “Any butt can enter, but only one asshole can win,” says KdK founder, King I Gary Virginia. But entrants cannot expect to get by on just their best behinds; contestants are also reviewed by a panel of judges who ask ass-related questions to the owners of these beauteous buttocks. The judges were Jefe (Mr. May 2006, along with the other AEF bare chest models, and the other half of Queen Barbi), KdK charter member Jimmy Strano, and myself as head judge. Each time the excitement leads up to the grand finale in January, when all winners return to display their wares in hopes of capturing the grand prize. Each winner receives a $100 cash prize, but the Grand Prize will not be revealed before the big event.

Just before the contest began, emcee former Emperor TJ advised the seven contestants to do a few warm up stretches and check for dingleberries. “Be careful, because Sister Dana is already over stimulated,” TJ warned. It was true. I could barely hold onto my red lipstick, I was trembling so at the thought of kissing all those bodacious bare butts! Sebastian was the first ass on the stage and was very nervous. He was from Montreal and spoke very little English, so was in need of his interpreter. He wore tres jolie underwear. When his translator asked for us the difference between a French kiss and a French ass, this Frenchman immediately dropped his undies and shook his derriere.

Aarron was a single man from San Diego looking for a guy with personality, stability, and “nice looks are always a plus.” When asked if his butt were a car, what kind would it be—he answered a Ferrari, because he did in fact own and drive racecars for a hobby. Vrrrooommm!

Phillip has lived in San Francisco for eleven years, originally from Texas. Single and a top, he must be quite the commodity in this bottom-heavy town. When asked what kind of cereal would his box be, he said Trix. Now that’s a quick, funny answer to be sure. Keep in mind that the contestants have no idea what the judges will ask them ahead of time. Hillary was our woman contestant, and what a doll! Her come-fuck-me Joan Crawford pumps were to die for. She said she brought her posse, although she pronounced that differently. Working in advertising, she was asked what her butt’s slogan would be, and said, “It’s hot as shit.” She was willing to put her best assets out there, doing a beautiful bare butt bounce sans panties against the wall.

Next up was Aaronn (with the extra “n”) who had a great smile—both horizontal and vertical. When asked if his ass was a professor, what class would he teach: he answered, “Economics, because it’s currently a trickle down effect.” Kirt was roped into the contest as a long-time bartender for four years at the Metro. He said he recommended the French fries with seafood or any of the sandwiches. He said he was a bottom and slightly bisexual, “if there’s no men around.” When asked if his butt was a bottle of booze, what flavor would it be, he replied, “Jagermeister, ’cause it goes down smooth.”

The final contestant turned out to be the very same French interpreter who translated for the first contestant. Dino was a refreshing tall drink of water, single, with a really cute beard. He was also extremely well versed in many languages—including Arabic, Italian, Portuguese, German, and of course French. He was instructed to say “My butt rocks” in Arabic. He said he was versatile in sex as well as linguistics. When asked what language his butt was most likely to speak, he said, “Italian—because they fuck the best!” Mama mia!

The judges tallied up the scores, after which Sister Dana informed the entrants that it was a hard decision, “and if you ever looked up my skirt, you would have noticed just how hard it was!” Butt seriously, we voted and the runner-up was Phillip, who received two VIP tickets to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence’s Revival Bingo the next night. The winner was Dino, who did a bare ass victory dance. Actually the whole gang, being good sports and mostly drunk, got up and boogied their buttocks off with glee! I hope to see you others at the next full moon! And put your asses on the line! You too can be winners!!!