This past weekend I did something completely out of the ordinary for amusement and kicks, and it turned out to be one of the most fun Saturday nights I’ve spent out in a long time. The nature of this event might come as a big surprise to many of you, as I have often expressed my complete dislike of most organized sports at just about every opportunity—Superbowls, World Series, Gay Games etc.—I just donon’t like sports. Victory often ends with overturned cars and vomiting horn-blowers in the streets starting fires and assaulting women, soccer matches have sparked week-long riots in Europe, fans exhibit a level of belligerence that pains me, and the athletes are paid obscene amounts of money that often facilitate a downward spiral into public disgrace, drug addiction, domestic violence, wrecked cars and other pitfalls of wretched excess. Of course, I might just hate sports because I’m terrible at most of them besides pool and maybe badminton. But on Saturday I attended a full-fledged sporting event, and not only did I thoroughly enjoy it, but in no time I was cheering loudly for my chosen team, understanding the rules and scoring, and dare I say thrusting my fists in the air and jumping up and down a bit.

All Girl Flat Track Roller Derby is what did this to me. Bay Area Derby Girls served up bout after bout on wheels, and it was a blast.

I hadn’t thought of Roller Derby the sport in many years—I had actually concluded that it was a dead sport, that it possibly went downhill after the feature film  Kansas City Bomber gave sex symbol Raquel Welch the gift of high-speed kick-ass derby style. I never found it on TV anymore and wondered if it had gone the way of Midget Wrestling, another salty ring sport that disappeared from the airwaves.

Well, my friend Allison, the svelte and beautiful girlfriend of one of the Eagle’s great bartenders Armand, came in to the beer bust a few weeks ago and she had tickets and handbills for an event she had been diligently training and practicing for—her first All Girl Flat Track Roller Derby match, for real! I thought, wow, Allison just might be the coolest girl ever. She got a bit excited and demonstrated a direct sideways hit and knocked Michael Dute out of the DJ booth. She was serious. I forbade any further roller derby moves in the DJ booth, so she continued on the patio. A few of us started counting the days until we could witness the magic of her team, Alcatraz Escapees vs. Treasure Island Gold Diggers at an enchanting sounding place called Dry Ice Rink on Hegenberger loop in Oakland..

The day arrived and so did a truckload of five gay guys at the bustling rink, there to show our support and pride for our favorite derby girl. For some reason I had envisioned a small gymnasium with about 30 or 40 people in the audience—I just wasnn’t sure if the renaissance had begun for this lesser known sport of queens. Boy was I surprised to see a large hockey-sized field with scuffed clear plastic barriers all around and an assembled sold-out crowd of 1,500 people! Uh, yeah, there is definitely a committed audience for this delightful face off. Two teams of super hot girls ready to battle it out in constant motion. I remember asking Allison if she and the other girls on her team would be wearing make-up for the match. I think she said, “Oh yeah.” When she rolled up for a quick hello between bouts we all noticed her eye make-up was perfect—athletics with aesthetics—more make-up in sports! I want the US Women’s Open to feature golfers painted up like whores. I want Las Vegas Dealer Length false eyelashes and pools of lip gloss all over Wimbledon.

As we watched the bouts roll on and listened to the ongoing commentator skillfully keep us up to speed on the action, I noticed the incredibly clever names emblazoned on all players backs. Allison’s derby name was inspired by her job at the Asian Art Museum, Genghis Blonde. Two of her teams most exciting members, Panda-monium (complete with blackened panda eye-makeup)and Iva Vendetta, thrilled the crowd with their speed and grace repeatedly. Other names I loved included Hurricane Skatrina, Skatzophrenic, Injure Rodgers, disloKate, Roxie the Riveter, Lisa Lawless, Chow Maim, Negativa , Evil Red and many many more.

Yet another amazing detail about the night was the simple fact that they had a DJ playing musical selections throughout the entire competition non stop, so you could hear the music as well as the commentator and the cheering crowd for the whole night. I must say whoever was playing music really was playing great stuff, Eagles of Death Metal, Arctic Monkeys, Devo, and lots of real driving aggressive metal stuff and many other thematically appropriate cuts. It suddenly struck me that spinning for all girl flat track roller derby could very well be my new dream DJ shift. God that would be a blast! I wanna spin there sometime—the play list is already building in my head..

Finally, and I can’t just refrain from reporting this, another very enjoyable aspect of attending this roller derby event was the endless array of hipster dudes, rockabilly guys, hearty automechanics with tattoo sleeves, beautifully bronzed by the sun types who work outside and more neck tattoos than you could shake a stick at. We were delighted. Many, I assumed, were proud boyfriends of the team members. Makes sense to me, because those derby girls are pretty seriously hot. Also, the belly dancers who performed at half-time added yet another dimension to a jam-packed night of quality entertainment. I left there feeling like I had a brand new reason for a solid bit of true civic pride, rolling heavy and strong, the Bay Area Derby Girls, our home team. I could maybe tip a car on its side or light something on fire for these gals.