Trauma Flintstone, Cookie Dough, Leanne Borghesi,and Kielbasia at Bijou

Cookie Dough (star of Cookie After Dark) and Trauma Flintstone (star of Bijou) joined forces to present a special evening of song at Martuni’s on Dec. 11 with an incredible line-up of the finest talent our City has to offer, accompanied by Tom Shaw on piano. Both femcees looked much classier than I have seen in some time. Trauma brought out Megan Lynch who pointed out musically, “What’s the use of cryin’ and sighin’ when your man has given you the sack? Your tears won’t bring him back, if he wanders off the track,” adding good advice, “Don’t chase him; replace him.” She took the stage later to sing “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve,” with the lyrics: “Maybe I’m crazy to suppose out of the thousand invitations you receive, do I stand a chance to dance with you?” Liza Bouterage, a DQ in big red hair, sang live about her wish list—just one item: “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Joyce Eggy made her Martuni’s debut with a blues song, “Please Come Back for Christmas.” This was her first time singing apart from her group, Acid Housewives, and she really tore up the place. Janet Fly, also of Acid Housewife, but hardly her first time at Martuni’s, wore Jackie-O sunglasses and much bling to join Joyce with live singing of “Running with the Shadows of the Night,” one of my favorite carols. Say what?! Tori Tait of Lipstick Conspiracy did a solo that evening with an original piece about a party she went to the other night where a lot of gorgeous people were present but made her feel intimidated by all the surrounding plastic perfection and wrote, “I Wanna Look Like That.” Kielbasia accompanied herself on accordion during her “favorite time of year as a lunch lady serving food to the kids.” But she was irked that having come from the Old Country, she had been used to either Christmas or Hanukkah; but in California there were just too many different names for holidays. She sang her composition, “Dammit, Call It Christmas.” What does she serve with, you might ask. Why, with her giant soup ladle of course, which inspired her Hanukkah song, [wait for it] “Ladle, Ladle, Ladle.”

Leanne Borghesi, also known as her overblown faux queen persona, Anita Martini, was her naturally beautiful woman self that night in pink plunging sweater. She sang “Christmas Is Here Again.” “Everybody’s waiting for that man with the bag,” went the lyrics. “If you’ve done what you should and been extra good,” he is sure to visit you. Mama Tracy is from old school way back, having been one of the performers in the ‘60s at the now defunct Finocchio’s. “I am 72 years old,” she said with pride. “I’ve done many many people in my day, but tonight I feel kinda bluesy.” She sang a cappella that old Bessie Smith classic, “Judge, Send Me to the Electric Chair.” You know, there’s nothing like cold-blooded murder for the holidays. The next performer usually accompanies others, as he did that night, but he also took the mic to rock out on “Jingle Bell Rock.”

Katya Lubnilla Smirnoff-Skyy has done all eight Bijou shows, but she said that would be her last night as a guest, since she will be moving into a solo spot at Martuni’s. She sang in broken English (she is allegedly Russian) “O Holy Night” in her beautiful soprano voice, which isn’t easy when you’re over six feet tall as a man in real life. I would have indeed fallen on my knees, as the song commanded, but then I would have bruised myself against the piano.

For her last guest performance, she sang “La Habanera” from the opera Carmen, which she claimed to have sung “many years upon the Moscow stage.” Sunday, Dec. 18 she will join Trauma, Kielbasia, and Nikki Star for “A Four-Queen Christmas Spectacular” at Martuni’s. So she lied. She WILL be doing a non-solo gig there. Russian divas—ya just can’t trust ‘em. Then we needed a little sugar cookie, a little Cookie Dough, to sing live “Imagine,” dedicated to the recent anniversary of John Lennon’s death. The message is timeless: imagine “nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too. And the world will live as one.” She then shamelessly plugged her Dec. 17th Monster Show, “The Second Annual Holiday Celebrity Crack House” at Harvey’s bar at 11pm. “Sister Dana will be there; will you?” she queried. Liza returned in a different holiday outfit to belt out “River Deep, Mountain High,” and got everyone clapping along. Megan came back to sing a bodacious “Bedazzled” ballad from the movie, Kismet. Joyce, a Midwestern native from Minnesota, or so she claimed, came back to tell us the horrors of Minnesota, where it’s nine degrees and there’s a smoking ban. Well, that way her Camels won’t freeze, riiiiight?! She sang that old chestnut, “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” or as I in my overly egg-nogged state like to sing, Chest hairs roasting on an open fire; Jack Frost nipping at your balls.” Later she sang the Otis Redding classic, “Try a Little Tenderness. Her desperate housewife friend Janet returned to do a tango number, “Christmas Doesn’t Mean a Thing to Me.” Her sentiments were: “With the holidays, I’ve had it up to here; and if I have to hear just one more bell; so with any more happiness and cheer; you can take it all and send it right to hell!” She added, “All those little children laughing? You can send the whole thing packing.” Needless to say, Ms. Fly was not in a happy holiday mood. Tori came back to do a piece she had been trying to finish for three years, “It’s Christmas After All,” a number that Janet would hate, since it was a charming piece about family and friends during the holidays. Kielbasia looked like a Polish Mrs. Claus doing a perky Christmas polka number.

Trauma told us there just weren’t as many Hanukkah songs as Christmas ones, and remedied that by breaking into “I’m Spending Hanukkah in Santa Monica” (“by the sea, oy vei!”) Janet sang the last solo number with “We Need a Little Christmas” from the musical, Mame. These days with all that’s going on in the news, we definitely need a little holiday spirit—whatever form or shape that may entail. Then the entire cast assembled to sing progressively more incorrect, drunken lyrics to “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” Trauma closed it down with, “and that god-damned fucking partridge in a tree!”