Sister Dana sez, “Guns don’t kill people; bullets kill people. And I do respect 2nd Amendment rights, as long as that entails our founding fathers’ muskets being loaded one bullet at a time. But assault rifles are not necessary to take out a deer.”

Sign the petition against gun violence at act.boldprogressives.org/survey/survey_guns. But let’s not talk about guns now. Let’s talk about sex and the City. SEX AND THE CITY: LIVE! is now onstage, featuring The City’s finest drag performers in two episodes every Wednesday night, 7 and 9pm at Rebel, 1760 Market at Valencia Street. Heklina is Carrie Bradshaw, D’Arcy Drollinger (director) is Samantha Jones, Lady Bear is Miranda Hobbes, and Trixie Carr is Charlotte York, along with Jordan Wheeler, Leigh Crow (as Mr. Big), and Cookie Dough in various male roles. After its sold-out smash run last year, Sex and the City: LIVE! is back with brand new episodes straight off the small screen. In fact, there is even a video of the opening HBO scene where Carrie gets splashed by a passing vehicle —but it is Heklina substituting for Sarah Jessica Parker.

The first episode introduces the characters - and may well have been the pilot for the series. We get to know these four young professional gals and their capriciousness, foils, and foibles - warts and all! Episode two elaborates on the difficulties of maintaining friendship and avoiding frenemies. No subject or topic is off limits for this quirky quartet: romance, promiscuity, frigidity, STD’s, not talkative enough during sex, too talkative during sex, boundaries, sexuality (is he a gay straight man or a straight gay man?) high fashion, fashion faux pas, bitching, ditching, dieting, binging, glazed donuts and cunnilingus, and drinking lots and lots of Cosmopolitans! The exposition works via Carrie’s witty inner dialogue voiceovers, thereby allowing us in on the dirt. There is bare-ass nudity and sizzling simulated sex. The actors are spot-on in interpreting the TV series’ characters. Heklina told me there will be more different episodes after this open-ended run, and I can’t wait to see the girls again! Tix are $20 in advance, satc.brownpapertickets.com, and $25 at the door. Join the lovely ladies and order a Cosmo at the bar!

HAM PANTS PRODUCTIONS is the sketch comedy brainchild of Andy Wenger (writer, director) and Damien Chacona (writer, producer, designer). Ham Pants has a well-kept secret to be revealed if you love improv and wacky sketches. For just ten bucks, Stage Werx Theatre will let you inside to witness the glory of masterminds Damian and Andy that is the sexy dancing of The Sparkleponies in a Guys and Dolls’ Adelaide duet dance-off burlesque or the dirty songs of John Flaw and Princess Cream Pie (who lives in the Disneyland castle and knows the naughty versions of songs before sanitized and presented to the kiddies). There is psychotic love poetry, if that means an ode to a homeless guy masturbating under a blanket. An obnoxiously loud patron in a restaurant is silenced by a chef’s butcher knife. Thrillpeddlers’ James Jeske aka Sister Reyna Terror is a guest performer extraordinaire. A camel jacket magically turns a mild mannered man into an aggressive, insufferable douche. Jerri Lawlor, imrov artiste exceptionelle, masterfully works an act, “Giggles and Nuts,” when both her partners fail to show up, and she has to solo. There is audience participation, of course. Plastic blow-up sex dolls make an appearance. A yoga instructor can’t make his usual class and is replaced by a boorish, non-peaceful, antagonistic, anti-namaste creep. These shows occur the 3rd Tuesday of the month at the intimate Stage Werx theater at 446 Valencia Street at 16th.

They will reprise SKETCHFEST Friday, January 25 and Thursday, February 7, 8pm at the Dark Room, 2263 Mission Street, between 18th and 19th, (415) 401-7987 for info.

Founded in 2004, KREWE DE KINQUE is a social/charitable Mardi Gras club that raises awareness and funds for charities in need. This year we’ve pulled out all stops for Big X Ball - A Decade of Decadence raising funds for the Transgender Law Center! The action starts with a stellar VIP reception at the gorgeous new event space at The Arc (1500 Howard at 11th) from 7-8pm on Saturday, February 9. An open bar, New Orleans buffet, and lively music will get the party started for VIP hosts and sponsors. VIP’s will have preferred seating, name in the program, and take away gift bags - all for $75. General admission tickets ($20 advance; $25 at door if available) include all the fun of the Masked Ball: DJ and dancing, Grand Marshal parade, live tableaux show, crowning of the King & Queen X, silent auction, go-go dancers, beads, and more. One performance features legendary drag queen Cockatielia with 16 dancers and musicians. Dress is extremely festive from black tie and masks, to fetish, Carnival and gender bending!

Sponsorships with generous benefits of prime tables of 5 or 10 and more are available online, sfkinque.com, or by calling King Gary at (415) 867-5004. Krewe de Kinque is underwriting the cost of the event, so 100% of your ticket, sponsorship, and auction proceeds will support the nonprofit Transgender Law Center.  Get your tickets NOW and “Laissez les bons temps rouler!” —“Let the good times roll!”

Equality Awards Kickoff Cocktail Party, co-hosted by Bevan Dufty and Suzy Jones, was held at 1300 Fillmore by EQUALITY CALIFORNIA with new Executive Director John O’Connor speaking of EQCA’s accomplishments: sponsoring seven pro-LGBTQ bills (including SB1172, AB 1856, AB1505, AB1700, AB2356, and SB1140). And candidates endorsed by EQCA had a near sweep on Election Day — all but five moving on to the General Election in November. 

In light of the recent uptick in crime in the Castro, Stop the Violence and Supervisor Scott Wiener’s office are organizing a community seminar/meeting on public safety on Monday, January 28, 6-7:00pm, Eureka Valley Recreation Center, 100 Collingwood Street (at 18th Street) Multipurpose Room, 2nd Floor.

MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES!
Join ACADEMY OF FRIENDS on Thursday, January 24 from 6-8pm to toast the Oscar 2013 nominees at The Bubble Lounge with tasty hors d’oeuvres, champagne specials, and accommodations provided by The Bubble Lounge, 714 Montgomery Street, with music by DJ Christopher B. and sponsored champagne from Iron Horse Vineyards. RSVP aofsf.eventbrite.com. Castro Theatre is showing the original Sunset Boulevard on January 27 with lots of camp. If you’re down with the swirl, may I recommend Falcon Studios’ Couples as my adult video pick, with plenty of chocolate and vanilla combos. Go see Silver Linings Playbook that got Golden Globes best comedic actor and actress and Best Picture Oscar nom, and if you miss Les Mis, you’ll be miserable.

Sister Dana worries, “If we raise the debt ceiling, won’t it be harder to dust it?!”