Itâ€™s that time of year again dear readers, and perhaps you have noticed that every weekly columnist manages to blow a deadline on a â€śBest ofâ€ť feature or, in my case and others, a â€śquizâ€ť that looks back on the past year.
So I have had the opportunity to review my last year of columns, where I discovered some brilliant lines and some really monotonous sections. I vow not to put you through those dull monologues this year. I promise. And now, here is this yearâ€™s quiz:
1. â€śRicoâ€ť is:
a) A lesbian albatross who was observed hatching a chick with another female on Kaena Point, Hawaii.
b) A male escort, hired by antigay author Dr. George Rekers to â€śhelp carry luggageâ€ť during a two-week European vacation.
c) A ribald squirrel who serves as the spokespuppet for Air Australia.
d) An Oklahoma man who sued the state for the right to a vanity license plate reading: â€śIM GAY.â€ť
2. Which of the following legalized marriage in 2010?
3. Roy Ashburn, Eric Massa, Mark Souderâ€¦
Which one of the aforementioned politicians was caught driving over the limit, after leaving a gay bar with a â€śfriendâ€ť in the passenger seat?
Which one of these (married) politicians was caught having an affair with a colleague, the same colleague who helped him tape an interview explaining the benefits of abstinence education?
Which of these politicians told the press that a tickle fight with male aides during his 50th birthday party was all in fun?
And which of these men ended the year as a champion of gay rights after a career spent voting against us from the closet?
4. According to this column, what was the most annoying TV ad of 2010?
a) The Staples ad with the guy who bellows â€śThatâ€™s a low price!â€ť
b) The KFC ad for the disgusting sandwich that uses two flat pieces of greasy fried chicken instead of bread.
c) The toilet paper ad with bears sitting on the john that ends with the tagline: â€śenjoy the go!â€ť
d) Any and all ads featuring the smug ATT man who throws postcards around a map.
5. We hate the â€śJust Cookiesâ€ť bakery in Indianapolis, because
a) The staff did nothing as two marines attacked a gay man who was eating a doughnut at a table.
b) The owners evicted two women after one kissed the other on the cheek.
c) The owners refused to bake an order of rainbow cupcakes for a student group that was celebrating Coming Out Day.
d) The staff called the police after a transwoman, who had purchased coffee, used the ladies room.
6. The 2010 prize for Lesbians Behaving Badly goes to:
a) The woman dressed as a sumo wrestler who attacked her ex-girlfriend with stiletto heels, after the ex waved at a man dressed as a Snickers bar.
b) The cellmates at Kamloops prison in Canada who had sex while a group of Mounties watched on closed circuit TV.
c) The lesbian who forced her girlfriend to fellate a poker player after she lost a hand of Texas holdâ€™ em.
d) The Atlanta woman who fought with her girlfriend over a gift of panties from an ex-boyfriend, dragged a cop over to her apartment to resolve the situation, and ended up in jail with her girlfriend.
e) The Belfast woman who hired a cab to drive her 30 miles to see her ex-girlfriend, even though she was under a restraining order and had no cash, and who ended up in a local jail where she peed on the floor of her cell.
f) Lisa Miller, the lesbian turned Christian conservative who has taken her daughter and gone on the lam rather than cede custody to her former partner.
7. The 2010 for worst governor in the United States goes to:
a) Linda Lingle, for vetoing Hawaiiâ€™s civil union bill.
b) Virginia governor Bob McDonnell for revoking an executive order that banned sexual orientation discrimination in the state workforce.
c) Minnesotaâ€™s Tim Pawlenty, for vetoing a bill that would have allowed same-sex partners to make funeral arrangements.
d) Rhode Islandâ€™s Don Carcieri who also vetoed a bill that would have given gay partners control over funerals.
8. History will say that the biggest advance in gay rights for the year 2010 was:
a) The Congressional repeal of Donâ€™t Ask Donâ€™t Tell
b) The demise, by court order, of Floridaâ€™s unique ant-gay adoption law.
c) The gay rights victories in three separate federal district courts, striking the Defense of Marriage Act, Donâ€™t Ask Donâ€™t Tell, and Prop 8.
d) The decline in the political influence of social conservatives as the Republican party and others on the right shifted their focus to the economy and the role of government.
9. Michael Gronstal is:
a) The Democratic head of the Iowa state senate who has pledged to block any effort to put an anti-gay marriage amendment on the ballot despite his thin majority.
b) A New York man, who along with his partner, arranged to answer over 400 letters to Santa, sent to his New York apartment.
c) The partner of a Missouri highway patrolman who was killed in the line of duty, who received no benefits or recognition from the state.
d) The student body president of the University of Michigan who was harassed by a crazed deputy state attorney general for being gay.
10. Angel Chandler is
a) A Mississippi high school student who fought her school district for the right to attend the prom with her girlfriend.
b) A lesbian mother, who was ordered to evict her partner of ten years from her home in order to maintain custody of her children.
c) A member of my fantasy kitchen staff who specializes in soufflĂ©s and quiches and who had an affair with my fantasy pool boy, Yves, behind the back of the maid, Myrtille.
d) A Christian grad student in counseling who sued Augusta State University after she was ordered to examine her antigay beliefs.
11. What was the highlight of the Obama administration as far as our community was concerned in 2010.
a) His demand to repeal Donâ€™t Ask Donâ€™t Tell in the State of the Union speech.
b) The orders that mandated hospital visitation and other rights for partners and patients.
c) The orders that granted certain employee rights, including family leave to care for the child of a partner, and the right to long term care insurance for the partners of federal workers.
d) The efforts of the administration that contributed to the repeal of Donâ€™t Ask, along with his impassioned speech at the signing ceremony.
e) His slight backtracking in our direction on the issue of same-sex marriage.
12. What was the low point of the Obama administration as far as our community was concerned in 2010?
a) The continued defense of DOMA in federal court.
b) The outrageous refusal to grant spousal benefits to attorney Karen Golinski, a federal appellate court employee in the Ninth Circuit, despite an order from the head judge of the Ninth Circuit.
c) The unnecessary attack on Major Margaret Witt in federal court, where the administration appealed a ruling that reinstated the lesbian nurse, even as Donâ€™t Ask was pending repeal in the Congress.
13. This isnâ€™t really a 2010 news quiz, but what do you think will be the most significant GLBT headline in 2011?
a) First Circuit Strikes Defense of Marriage Act in 3-0 Panel Ruling.
b) Gallop and CNN Poll Show 55 Percent Support for Gay Marriage Rights.
c) Maryland Governor Signs Marriage Law.
d) California Marriage Reinstated; Ninth Circuit Panel Denies Further Stays.
e) Lisa Miller Captured In Rural Arkansas.
f) Senator Lindsay Graham Out of the Closet!
g) Michelle Obama Supports Marriage Equality.
h) Abraham Lincoln Was Gay, Letters Prove.
i) Veteran Lesbian Columnist Wins MegaMillion Lottery; Donates Funds To Gay Rights Movement.
2. a), c) and e) Pretty good year! Also Argentina, Mexico City, Washington DC.
3. Ashburn, Souder, Massa, Ashburn.
4. c) All others pale in comparison to this travesty.
5. c) Bastards!
6. f) Trick question, but Lisa Miller has been behaving badly for many many years and she deserves a prize. Plus I made up answer c)
7. Iâ€™m going to call this a three-way tie. Carcieri vetoed his bill in late 2009 and was overridden.
8. c) We have reached a tipping point in the federal courts that will push us over the top in the next few years. Now, it will be the antigay right that will start to fear the federal courts, just as we feared them ten years ago.
9. a) God bless him.
10. b) Yves would never cheat on Myrtille.
11. e) I think his acknowledgement that his views on marriage may evolve is most significant.
12. b) I still donâ€™t understand why this administration, which claims to support same-sex employment rights, chose to fight this little-known case, when in fact, they had an opportunity to strike a blow for GLBT federal employees below the radar.
13. i) A girl can dream! But I actually think a) will be the winner.