Musical director Joe Wicht and singer Connie Champagne. Photo by Rink.

Connie Champagne Sings Songs To Make You Gay

If you’ve ever gone to one of those annoying homophobic websites about certain songs and singers being a gateway to homosexuality, you will truly appreciate Connie Champagne in Songs to Make You Gay, now running at the New Conservatory Theatre Center, and featuring Joe Wicht aka Trauma Flintstone (out of drag). Champagne first appears in full-on traditional nun’s habit, wimple, and veil as Sister Constance - having first sung “Maria” from West Side Story while at a backstage mic. Her rendition of “How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria?” from Sound of Music convincingly confirms her confirmation as a Sister. She explains that her Order has found a website, “LoveGodsWay.com, naming het-threatening songs to be avoided at all costs to one’s “God-given” heterosexuality. Sadly, the Madonna, a being beatified by her Order, is at the top of the homo-turning warning list. Even so, she sings the hell out of M’s “Borderline.” But suddenly a change comes over her. Ripping off the dour nun drag, she reveals rainbow neon streaked hair and a sexy fringy clingy purple gown to sing “Like a Virgin” and act anything but virginal. She even turns it into an audience sing-along. Warning: THIS could be the start of a mass audience queer conversion!

What is more ‘70s gay than David Bowie? So the now “newly homophile” Champagne does that oh so androgynous dude homo homage with “Rebel Rebel” and “Lady Stardust.” Then we take a “Walk on the Wild Side” as she does the Lou Reed piece to perfection: “
 shaved her legs, and then he was a she.” “Sing along with the colored girls,” the song urges, and we do: “doot do doot!” On our wild walk towards fagdom, we must accompany her on the semi-tragic “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”

This show is all the more fabulous and faggy because of Champagne’s co-star Joe Wicht -  marvelous musical director, arranger, pianist, and singer. The witty patter between Wicht and Champagne really makes the show. The two duet delightfully in a delicious takeoff on the Peter O’Toole movie, re-titled “FLORENCE of Arabia,” queen of the desert sands. Guess who wrote this dirty little ditty: none other than Rodney Dangerfield! Then we get into those “coded” songs of yore, where gay composers such as Cole Porter and Noel Coward wrote lyrics that could be interpreted as same-sex love and love unrequited. Joe and Connie LOUDLY SING the love that dare not speak its name! The slow-building crescendo of Champagne’s “Mad about the Boy” is simply astounding. While she changes into yet another stunning outfit (thank you Tahara, Mr. David, Kathleen Crowley, and Jordan L’Amour), he plunks out poofter pieces of purple prose, biting out the lyrics (including “Lesbian Love Song”). 

Out sashays Champagne to sing one of my favorite nun songs, what I call “Sister,” but is actually entitled “Miss Celie’s Blues” from The Color Purple. “Shake your shimmy, Sister!” And she does. It’s not all gaiety though. She brings the tone down to mellow and almost maudlin with “Bluest Eyes in Texas” and South Pacific’s “If I Loved You.” This is the perfect time for her to tell her heart wrenching story of her mother’s love affair.

But then it’s back to being “light in the loafers” with her wacky imitation of batty Beatrice Lily in “There Are Fairies at the Bottom of Our Garden.”

He also gets all Doris Day on us to sing “Secret Love,” which really was a secret back in the day when movie fans had no clue that DD’s romantic co-star Rock Hudson was cocksman Hudson. Can you imagine Connie as Rock and Joe as Bea Arthur? You will with the druggy “Ev’rybody Today Is Turning On.” Just like Doris, Connie will cook up some hot stuff when she pulls out the Gay Cookbook.

Champagne has plenty to say about queer equality, especially in her riveting rendition of “Married” from Cabaret. Now it’s time for a plug: Go see Champagne reprise her role as Neely O’Hara in Valley of the Dolls at Marc Huestis’ July 20 production at the Castro Theatre, featuring the original Neely live onsage, Patty Duke. Connie will elaborate, recite, and then sing the sappy theme song. She gets really gritty with “Town without Pity” and shows her “True Colors.” After Joe’s gay medley, by now if you’re not gay, howzabout some disco, dearie?!

Whether perched on a perch, sitting on a stool, or plopped onto a piano, Connie Champagne is the ideal chanteuse muse to turn you gay – or at least deliriously delighted!

Connie Champagne Sings Songs to Make You Gay runs now through Aug. 1 at NCTC, 25 Van Ness near Market. Tix range from $20 – 29 at (415) 861-8972 or nctcsf.org. Go see, even if you think you’re already gay enough or have no intentions of the same-sex switch! It’s FABULOUSSS!!!