Preoccupied gay men and homicidal lesbians in the Lesbian/Gay Chorus’s Love Bites show at Theatre Rhino.

The Lesbian/Gay Chorus of San Francisco’s annual anti-Valentine cabaret was bigger and better than ever. It’s always a fabulous show for lovers, ex-lovers, and love cynics – you know, the ones who have allergies to long stem roses and get toothaches from heart-shaped candy. The theme at Theatre Rhino last weekend was “Love Bites the Hand That Feeds It.” Emceed by its own “Soprano with a Whip,” Carolyn Eidson, the chorus performed selections that put stupid Cupid in his place and mended broken hearts with laughter and revenge. No ooey gooey love songs allowed: this was the bitter worm in the chocolate box and the champagne that has turned to vinegar. This year the anti-Valentine show has definitely come up in the world, with an actual set consisting of a pair of swinging doors with a heart and “L-O-V-E” on it and a Laugh-In type panel with windows through which choristers could pop up to make three-liner wisecracks. Singers dressed in black (with touches of pink and red accessories so as not be too goth). Between acts, Eidson spouted a series of hilarious monologues – one of which was a bunch of boob puns. Under the direction of Stephanie Lynne Smith and featuring original “choralography” by Kirk Johnson, this was a very clever show!

Opening with “Down With Love” from Harold Arlen’s Hooray for What, the lyrics immediately set the tone of the evening: “Down with eyes romantic and stupid; down with sighs and down with Cupid; brother, let’s stuff that dove; down with love.” Then Tom McElroy and Scott Turco sang about their “Relationshit, where the bloom is off the rose and one partner gets his love from a porn magazine. The other has been “over and over and over it” because his man no longer blows him in the shower. But they do come to blows over it. The first curtain opened to reveal the first wisecrack: “What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? Forty-five pounds! What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? Forty-five minutes!”

Five women sang a capella The Turtles’ “So Happy Together,” except their actions sang louder than their words – illustrating none of the couples that kept hooking up and breaking up was at all happy together. Is attempted strangulation a sign of love?! Johnny Mercer’s “I Remember You” started off with two seemingly loving partners (Paul Michael Alves and Kirk Johnson) in smoking jackets, but their affair had turned from smoldering to barely embers, if their patter between lyrics was any indication. “The most romantic thing anyone said to you? Are you sure this park is safe?” Finally there was a love song. Well, not so much love as lust with “Princess Poo-Poo-ly Has Plenty Pa-Pa-Ya” as proven by gloved hands holding the precious fruit poked through the windows while the princess (Laura Liscar) did the hula to ukuleles, and chorus folk sang along in their very loud Hawaiian shirts and leis: “She loves to give it away, so try a little piece … of her papaya.” Michael Schuler (who played keyboards) musically announced: “I’m Not Wearing Underwear Today” from Avenue Q. And what “Love Bites” show would be complete without Jon Bon Jovi’s “Love Hurts”?? I just wish this had been miked so the words wouldn’t have been muffled by the acoustic guitar, but John Gullotto’s lyric tenor was clear enough to get the idea: “Love hurts; love scars; love wounds and harms any heart not tough or strong enough.” Then for something completely different, the chorus got all operatic on us, crisply spitting out the gossipy “Neighbors’ Chorus” from the comic opera La Jolie Parfumeuse by Offenbach.

Act two began with Cole Porter’s “I Hate Men” from Kiss Me Kate, featuring a standout solo by Remy Timbrook. Chorus members illustrated various negative aspects of the male species, while Timbrook concluded: “From all I’ve read, alone in bed, from A to Zed, about ‘em. Since love is blind, then from the mind, all womankind should rout ‘em; but, ladies, you must answer too, what would we do without ‘em? Still, I hate men!” Yes, because as the saying goes, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle! Eidson wrote and sang a rather ballsy piece called “One Testicle for Peace,” in which half castration was suggested to solve the world’s war woes. Snip snip! Yowtch! LGCSF was proud to showcase the world premiere of “Your New Stupid Boyfriend,” written by Bay Area composer Jack Curtis Dubowsky. The chorus donned pink cowboy hats to add to the country flavor as they dissed the new boy toy that had supplanted their place as their friend’s friends: “He’s so young; he’s so hot; big fuckin’ deal; yada yada yada!” Joan Goldman belted out the wimmyn’s national anthem, “I’m a Woman,” bragging that: “I got a twenty dollar gold piece says there ain’t nothin I can’t do; I can make a dress out of a feed bag; and I can make a man out of you; ‘cause I’m a woman: W – O – M – A – N.” Speaking of women, there was one named Agnes who apparently got V.D. on V.D. (Valentine’s Day) and spread it throughout the entire community – men, women, and dogs – who also passed it along to their partners, as the chorus vividly illustrated in the hysterical Tom Lehrer ditty, “I Got It from Agnes.” And it’s nice to know “You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want” when having sex on Avenue Q: “You’re not allowed to be loud at the library, at the art museum, or at a play; but when you and your partner are doing the nasty, don’t behave like you’re at the ballet!”

The show closed with that old classic serial murder melody, “The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun,” starring Eidson as killer Debbie and Tom McElroy as the narrator and Deb’s best gal pal, describing each and every gunshot victim. If anything will kill romance, it’s a homicidal prom queen armed with artillery. “Chorus, are you all right?” asked a worried conductor Smith. They got up to show they were alive and well, which really aptly describes this year’s version of “Love Bites.” Lively fun at the expense of Cupid!