Mr. GAPA Astro Stud, MC Tita Aida, and Miss GAPA Cinderella. Photo by Rink.

Runway is a unique annual showcase that plays on the glamour of traditional pageants, while pushing the outer boundaries of self-expression within a framework of camp and comedy. Mr. & Miss GAPA 2005 Wilson and Monica Spears crowned their successors in a night of beauty, comedy, and fantasy. Hosted by transgender activist and femcee extraordinaire, Tita Aida, the 18th annual Runway featured special performances and celebrity judges. Winners received a tiara, China-silk sash, $500 cash, and special opportunities for public appearances. Through fantasy and evening wear competitions, contestants were encouraged to celebrate their uniqueness and flaunt their innermost fantasies. Tita introduced the judges as follows: Rene Astudillo, executive director of the Asian American Journalists Association; Ben Fong-Torres, journalist, author, and broadcaster; Vanessa Hua, staff writer for San Francisco Chronicle; Tina Kim, comedienne who appeared on Last Comic Standing; Tamlyn Tomita, stage, television, and film actor (Joy Luck Club, to name one movie); Mag Wangsuwana, vice President of Union Bank of California; and Lawrence Wong, former GAPA co-chair, and trustee, San Francisco Community College Board.

The show opened with DowneFX Dance Company doing intricate urban hip hop dance numbers, making way for the parade of contestants, who worked the runway to the BeeGees’ “Stayin’ Alive.” Miss GAPA Monica Spears and Mr. GAPA Wilson disco danced together, and Wilson could barely reach over Monica’s big red-orange Orphan Annie wig. Tita came out somewhat dressed down in beachcomber jeans and a pretty bejeweled tan top, saying she didn’t want to outshine the contestants. “So many things going on in my life,” she said, “and yet I still have no love life. Maybe I’ll just get a puppy.” C’mon, boys, you don’t know what you’re missing! She quipped, “Well, expect to see the same entrants as last year. It took one of them eight tries to become Miss GAPA,” she said.

Out came the contestants in their fantasy wear. First I will describe the male entrants. Brian was a sort of Ninja warrior executing some very elaborate kickboxing to classic rock riffs. Backdoor Boy was a boy band member lip-synching “As Long As You Love Me.” He held a hat at his crotch until the very end, when “something” popped out of his fly. I think it was fake. Sun played and sang “Just My Imagination,” changing it to a same-sex love song. It was a little pitchy, as they say on American Idol, but full of heart, as a drunken Paula Abdul would say. Astro Stud wore a cape fashioned after his hero, Astro Boy, with green glittered belt around black bikini briefs. “I am bigger, harder, and more anatomically correct than Astro Boy,” he bragged. “I’ve been endowed with greater super-powers.” He warned, “If I won this contest, I would make GAPA members dress up in Astro Boy outfits at every GAPA function.” He concluded, “If you’re in trouble, call not on the Man of Steel. Look no further, because Astro Stud is here!” Virgil Deve was dressed in nothing but a green apron. He lipped Meatloaf singing, “I would do anything for you but that,” and showed all the things he WOULD do—including stripping down to his underoos, ironing, chopping up vegetables, and pantomiming taking a big zucchini up his butt but refusing to shove a huge cactus up there. Tommy did a hilarious West Hollywood fussy faggot “whatever” monologue lip-synch, stripping down to red valentine briefs and pulling various cucumbers and dildos from his tote bag. Little Brother was babysitting while chatting on his cell, but put down the baby and began singing a capella “Oh Baby, Give Me One More Chance,” and working up the audience into clapping along.

The “female” contestants were as follows: C. Rena popped out of a Barbie box as a real live lip-synching doll with giant butterfly wings. Cinderella was a gorgeous Thai dancer with a huge peacock tail and very long golden fingernails. I must say her crown was more impressive than the one she coveted in the contest. Since she apparently did not speak English, she had to have an interpreter translate everything for her. Sugar Chapeaux told us she was Oprah’s secret love child. Her outfit could have won in the Easter Parade with a huge round hat that looked like a satellite dish topped with a colored egg, along with a floral dress that was a walking fashion violation (purposely). She carried a doll that looked just like her, which she said would be available discount at all Target stores. In her comedy act she said, “It’s so good to see all your familiar faces,” and added, “Faces that I have seen in glory holes!” Sharon Sharonna pretended to be leading a support group, like in AA, so the audience reacted accordingly. “I’m a sexual compulsive,” she confessed. “I have performed oral sex backstage with three different candidates.” Clarissa Monteverde was dressed elegantly in a pink and gold draped satin gown. But it was not elegant for long, as she lip-synched her pain of breaking up while taking a pair of scissors and shredding her gown. What a cut-up! Charlene D’or was a serious lip-syncher emoting heavily with “What Kind of Fool Am I?” in beautiful pink velvet draped strapless dress, slit up to her hoohoo.

Tita reappeared after intermission all dressed up for a gala in her black silk gown trimmed with crystals. “Yes, it’s Ralph Lauren, thank you very much,” she said, modeling the haute couture. Miss GAPA Monica Spears was in a blonde wig to look kind of like Olivia Newton-John and lip-synch ON-J’s “Hopelessly Devoted” from Grease. The evening gown portion of the competition was easily the most stylish of the night, but I simply do not have enough column inches to describe all of them. The guys were handsome and the gals were beautiful. Period. Well, except for Sugar Chapeaux, who went for zaniness over elegance, which I have to say I personally prefer.

Wilson gave his final speech as the reigning Mr. GAPA, saying, “It’s been a great ride, and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. The lesson is to be involved. Apathy helps only the oppressor, and never the oppressed.” He summed up, “Be involved and look fabulous doing it.” Monica Spears did her final walk as reigning Miss GAPA with her voiceover about once upon a time and her long journey towards becoming Miss GAPA. “I have become a stronger and more creative person, and met a lot of wonderful friends along the way.”

The judges returned with their verdicts, but not before announcing most photogenic boy, Virgil; most photogenic girl, Cinderella; and congeniality, Charlene. The audience voted on boy next door, Virgil; girl next door, Sugar; and favorite fantasy, Tommy. It was down to six finalists, when the judges decided Mr. GAPA’s Second Prince would be Tommy; First Prince would be Virgil Deve; and Mr. GAPA 2006 was Astro Stud. Second Princess was C. Rena; First Princess was Sugar Chapeaux (in case Miss GAPA cannot fulfill her duties or gets impregnated); and Miss GAPA was Cinderella. Now all we have to do is get Cinderella some Thai-to-English dictionaries, so she can communicate without her translator joined at the hip!