Some guys find the thought of meeting other guys for casual sex and possible intimate friendships at sex clubs to be exciting. Others have never been and are curious. For that reason STOP AIDS Project offered “Hot Men—White Towels” at Eros sex club on Jan. 26 as an exploration of pleasure and to hear cruising tips and helpful hints from guys who enjoy meeting their partners at sex clubs and other spots of anonymity. Through interactive exercises we talked about our expectations, how we deal with rejection, and using body language to communicate when we aren’t supposed to talk.
 Led by Paul Miller, SAP intervention coordinator (who has been with SAP for over eight years) and co-facilitated by hot men, Jorge and Hunter (SAP volunteers who actually dressed in white towels), the group gathered in the lounge to share experiences. “Eros is like coming home, because STOP AIDS has held many workshops here,” said Miller. He mentioned one popular SAP forum, “Push Push in the Bush,” about having anonymous sex outdoors. “We are completely community driven,” he said. Basic rules for such forums applied: use “I” statements, don’t hog the floor nor disappear into it.
First off Jonathan led us in interactive exercises. The first one was a closed-eyes relaxation and then visualization of the hottest place we ever had sex—the bushes, a sex club, a t-room, wherever. Then we opened our eyes and wrote the experience down on paper, folded it, and handed it in, unsigned. Jonathan mixed up the papers and let each of us take one randomly and read it aloud. We discovered some of us had experiences in a steam room, at a restaurant in the employees area, in a run-down cement bunker at the Marin Headlands, in a sex club, and at the Embarcadero.
At one men’s room—an especially popular spot from around 4pm to 6:45pm weekdays--you need to ask the concierge for the number combination to open the locked door which is advantageous, because then there is a beep sound as an advance warning that someone is coming in. “Gay men have a lot of fun for sure,” commented Miller, “and they have a knack for finding sex anywhere.”
We spoke of the negative side of these unconventional encounters in public places. There is the fear of getting caught, which we found some actually get off on, but no one really wants it to happen. There is always the risk of STDs. And no one wants to be the victim of a bashing because of alleged “homosexual panic.” Also you might be getting into a scene you don’t care for, and there might not be anyone there to help you. Male rape is sometimes a harsh reality in gay cruising. The plus side of sex clubs is that it is probably the safest space for anonymous sex. There is no pretense, because anyone who is in a club is almost certainly looking to get laid. There is a much smaller bullshit factor—no need to wine and dine someone to get sex, and pickup lines are at a minimum. There is no pressure to find a man, because just like Kleenex tissues, another will pop right up. To reduce risk, we joked, always carry an assault rifle. But really, it is wise to be around other cruisers outdoors, in case you need to scream for help. Sometimes it is prudent to cruise with a buddy (but be sure you don’t have the same taste in men, or there will be bitch fights). One participant said he always calls his voice mail to leave a message where he’s going and another leaves a note on his bed—so friends can have a clue as to why he’s been missing so long. We noted that there is no supply of condoms in a park, but Miller informed us that SAP is starting to put safer sex packets at the Windmills cruise area and in Buena Vista Park; so next time you’re under a tree, look up and see if there’s a treat hanging there. Of course it’s best to be a boy scout and always be prepared. One guy carries a couple condoms in his wallet at all times.
Hunter and Jorge illustrated how to cruise without talking. Eye contact is key, but grabbing the crotch is a sure sign. There is the 1-2-3 rule: when you pass someone you think might be interested in you, count to three and turn around. If he has turned around too, you have a very good chance of hooking up. Motion with your head or hand. Be aware that too much talking can be a deal breaker, where you are in danger of becoming fellow cruising buddies rather than connecting with him sexually. Don’t chat loudly in front of a sexual scene in the club, and do NOT queen scream down the hallways.
When you don’t want to get together, there is no need to be rude. Use body language by turning your head and body from him. If he touches you non-consensually, move his hand away. Allow one more time if he pursues, and then say you are not interested, thank you. If that fails, just move away. When approaching two or more in a scene, do not interrupt unless invited. And do NOT stand there and gawk. That’s just rude. Sometimes when approaching a guy, a simple icebreaker like: “How’s your night going?” works well, or “Would you like some company?” One man at sex clubs uses the silly line, “Nice towel,” because everybody is wearing the exact same towel. If he’s unduly rude, flash the “whatever” sign at him and walk away. Don’t take it personally. He might not be into your type, your hair color or style, your build, your height, your hairiness or lack of hair (body and facial), or some other characteristic. Move along and find someone who likes your type. Watch your expectations. Set yourself up to have a good time exploring without having overly high hopes. Enjoy the process. Look at it as an experiment where you’re in a laboratory to see how things progress. If you don’t score, you can always jack off in the club while watching porn or beat meat in the bushes. You’d be amazed at how that release can take the tension and pressure off rejection or dissatisfaction!
