Winner, SFDK10 troupe - Momma's Boyz

The 10th annual SF Drag King Contest, a benefit for PAWS (Pets Are Wonderful Support) on Aug. 18, brought out the manliest of kings trapped in women’s bodies. On stage and even in the audience at DNA Lounge there was fake facial hair everywhere. After a rockin’ set by Wood, an all-king band, the steamy show began with the Diamond Daggers burlesque women wearing white see-through slips drenched with water and their hair soaking wet. This was part of the duet that DK emcees Fudgie Frottage and Rusty Hips did to “Fever,” but this was not the Peggy Lee version. It was quite masculine.

Fudgie and Rusty introduced the first DK entertainer, Howie Weenis, the nerd in black glasses with white tape on the bridge. As usual, the audience picked on Howie and threw wadded up paper at the poor geek. He attempted, in his purposely lame way, to do homage to cowboys with clips of country western tunes such as “Rhinestone Cowboy,” “The Gambler,” “Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys,” and “Achy Breaky Heart.” His line dancing was awkward and his singing was worse, which is why we all love the lame-ass. Next was Arty Fishal, crowned DK way back in 1998, who did a truly novel performance. Coming out as a sleazy dude in faux leopard suit, as sexy strip music played, he slowly stripped off coat, tie, shirt, slacks, and engineer boots to do the reverse process of becoming a gender- bending king. Underneath the male drag was highly femme clothing, including sexy bra and corset, fishnet hose and garter belt. Then Arty tore off the fake facial hair, put on lipstick and eye makeup, and pulled off the ratty man-wig to let her gorgeous streaked brown hair fall free. The woman within the drag king had emerged.

The first contestant was Adam Antic looking a lot like the 1980s’ Adam Ant, doing his one-hit wonder, “Goody Two Shoes,” in lace-up leather pants, playing air guitar, and grabbing a groupie girl from the audience to be handcuffed. Second up was Mighty Max, who looked like a bad Vegas lounge singer in his purple smoking jacket and red fedora. He said he was both old school and new school, singing live “I Love All of You.” Dick Van Dyke came out as the chimney sweep to Mary Poppins, who had her trusty magic umbrella. Dick’s face was covered with soot as he sang “Chim Chiminey Chim Chim Cheroo,” or however that stupid song is titled. This was not the children’s version of Mary Poppins, as the handle of the sweeper was a big dildo, which Mary made Dick suck on. Citizen Kings was a group entry, with Men in Black at first casing and then attacking a living Statue of Liberty, gagging her with the American flag and stripping off her green garment. On her back was “tattooed” the phrase: “This is the price of liberty.”

Next was a poor Cholo pool boy, Pepino de la Puente, with a red bandana wrapped around his forehead and a large cross hanging from his neck, dancing to Santana and that Matchbox guy with “So Smooth.” Describing himself as a half-pint freak, Seymour Sinn had a curly Mohawk, sporting black tie and tails, complete with walking cane, doing a tap number to “Love Cats” with all those “wannabe wannabes.” A second group entry, featuring Ernest Lee and Angus, was a bunch of bicyclists and their bikes, in a challenge race while Queen’s “I Want to Ride My Bicycle” played. It was a total road rage scene until one of them in his Morgan Stanley jersey took a bad spill. Peter Panzy in pinstriped suit lip-synced the Beatles’ “Come Together”: “He’s got to be a joker, he just do what he please.” He stripped off the suit, scissor cut the brown slacks to become shorts, and placed a UPS hat on his head. Then stripped down to just red, white, and blue briefs (properly bulging) and tee shirt stating: “Big Cock.”

Prince was backed up by Sheena E on guitar. This was the bleached blond and teeny mustachioed version of the Artist formerly and now again known as Prince. He was dressed in bead-dazzled purple morning coat and ruffled lace ascot, doing a lip sync to “Let’s Go Crazy,” as the audience did just that—clapping, screaming, and stomping with fury. He took off that coat and reappeared in a black sequined coat to do “When Doves Cry.” All the while above on a screen a video show played. The crowd practically rioted! Jay Walker and the Cockibores had a mini-orgy onstage with drag kings, femmes, drag queens, and you name it. Momma’s Boyz was another group entry. While Momma rapped her original “Are You Down with MBZ,” about a dozen kings and their hoochie mamas busted moves doing hip-hop and break-dancing with plenty of impressive spins on the floor, while a video played behind them. That was the conclusion of the contest part.

Diamond Daggers returned to do “Baby, I’m a Star,” writhing about as spies in trench coats and turning flashlights on each other. Stripping off the coats, they stripped down to scanties to do burlesque with “Hey, Big Spender” from Sweet Charity. For their finale, they did the riot number by Bjork. “It’s so peaceful, until…” while kicking on down the line. But that was not enough for the audience, begging for an encore, which they got. The Daggers came out in yellow chicken feathers to do “I Love You a Bushel and a Peck” from Guys and Dolls. At last the judges arrived at their decision. In the group category, first runner-up was Citizen Kings and winner was Momma’s Boyz. For Drag King: Peter Panzy was second runner-up, Dick Van Dyke was first runner-up, and taking the coveted title of Drag King 2005 was Prince. As he was crowned, he graciously thanked all the people who helped him. “I feel so excited right now; this was such a rush,” Prince told Bay Times later backstage. “I am exhilarated and speechless. I plan to perform my ass off all over the Bay Area—wherever they’ll have me, wherever there’s a stage, and lights, and music.” I must say that he truly personifies kingness, kingnitude, and kingnosity to the max!!!