Previously, in The Bay Times …

In mid-May, I penned a piece as prelude to a body image and self-esteem forum held by The Community Initiative, “Muscleboys, Twinks & Bears, Oh My! A Bold Look at How We Look,” at the San Francisco LGBT Center. May 20 was a Wednesday — the  American Idol finale — which explains the dearth of 18-30 year olds in the crowd. Still, roughly 75 men representing a diverse cross-section of the community came together to discuss issues surrounding self-image, finding family among friends, and fitting in ... or not.

The conversation was comprehensive, compelling and crackling with some heated debate and passionate opinions, yet we found the subject was so sprawling and the participants so articulate that a second forum was needed. If you attended the first one, thanks, we hope to see you again! If not, here’s a taste of what you missed, what was said and what to expect at the July 9 event.

A funny thing happened on the day of the forum: we began with a parody I found in my filing cabinet, unfinished and unsung. I thought it was a good way to kick start the conversation and set the tone, from the point of view of a Gay Everyman, to a witty ditty from West Side Story:

“I feel shitty! / Oh so shitty! / Wracked with pity and poor self-esteem! / It’s not pretty, / And it stinks to be a shrink’s wet dream! / In the videos and the magazines, / Everywhere I look I can see: / Bodybuilding Queens / Barely past their teens / In designer jeans! / Where does that leave me? / I feel shrimpy! / I feel wimpy! / I feel skimpy and scrawny and small! / Out of touch, / So I drink way too much alcohol!”

We were off and running. Our panel was introduced and the discussion began. Clearly this was a difficult subject for many, and everyone in the room seemed to have their pet reasons for being there and what they wanted to put on the table. 

Two themes quickly emerged: that there was and is deep yearning for community, for social solidarity and a feeling of belonging to something bigger than one’s self, and that often those brutally battered and bruised egos are casualties of war in the landmine-strewn swamp of sexual attraction, smut, shallowness and superficiality.

There was tough talk about narcissism, racism, misogyny, ageism and the butch-femme divide, though early on one man had the sense to call out any victim-speak and “Us vs. Them Blame Game Bullshit” so we could “focus on solutions and skip group therapy.” Happy applause plunged us into deeper treacherous waters. 

The real culprits, it seems, are complacency and culpability about these very issues amongst ourselves: when something ignorant or insulting is said and no one challenges it; when so-called “friends” are the ones who say and do the cruelest, bitchiest, cattiest things; when a society of outcasts makes outcasts of each other. 

“Let Your Freak Flag Fly!” was my rallying cry in the last article, but is that easier said than done? When being a freak — a fag, a sissy, a tomboy, a bookworm, a loner — keeps you from “normal” development and simple social skills, how do you learn to talk to people? Children can be vicious, and weaklings get devoured. To illustrate, Trauma Flintstone served up a delicious and devastating g a capella deconstruction of Charles Aznavour’s “What Makes A Man A Man?”

“We love to pull apart someone / And spread some gossip just for fun / Or start a rumour. / We let our hair down, so to speak / And mock ourselves with tongue-in-cheek / And inside humour. / So many times we have to pay / For having fun and being gay / It’s not amusing. / There’s always those that spoil our games / By finding fault and calling names / Always accusing. / They draw attention to themselves / At the expense of someone else / It’s so confusing. / Yet they make fun of how I talk / And imitate the way I walk / Tell me if you can: / What makes a man a man?”

Trauma, aka Joe Wicht, was on the panel not only as a “drag ambassadress” but also to speak on the needs of older gay men in our youth-fixated world and finding love later in life ... something dear to his newlywed heart. It was an older crowd (“Who’s Adam Lambert?”), and many gentlemen spoke eloquently about the old tangible sense of community in the Castro of yore, equal parts dish and discipline in the leather scene and, of course, “what makes a bear a bear?” 

I saw the room full of handsome salt and pepper and was reminded of something I thought of recently, how I am suddenly aware of having friends in every decade, after 30 years of AIDS wiped out several entire generations of gay men, leaving a gaping hole in the population. 

 Now we finally have brothers again in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. But for too long, “daddies” were dead and the “Auntie Mames” who would have mentored us pups — taught us to care about community; to have and be friends; to couple up, settle down and negotiate custom “monogamy” into whatever works for each relationship; to build households and neighborhoods and networks; to cruise, crusade and converse on the street — were missing and sorely missed.

Today, there are 40 and 50 year old doctors and lawyers losing their practices and livelihoods to crystal meth and circuit parties and the NeverNeverland of Lost Boys who won’t or don’t or can’t grow up. But there are also many more of all ages who do care about cultivating and creating community, for us and our kids. 

From what I saw last weekend at the Pride Parade, there’s a lot of beauty, inside and out, not because we’re part of the homogenized prepackaged cosmetic comedy that is society but precisely because we’re not. 

Yes, we’re steeped in consumerism and soaked in sex and saturated in shame and we can sit and point fingers and cast blame and further pigeonhole ourselves into cookie cutter categories of muscleboy or twink or bear or clone or queen or fairy. Or we can celebrate our diversity, stop the comparisons and find our commonality — and community — in unique, flaming Fabulosity!

The Community Initiative is hoping this next forum will be more positive, dwell less on negativity and recriminations and focus on personal stories, healthier choices, practical tools and advice on how to find peace in our own skins. From the role substance use plays in how we feel good about ourselves and our bodies to the objectification of men of color, from health related changes in appearances to gay men having the full spectrum of dykes and transfolk and bi-/poly- queers in our lives, there’s much to discuss. Plus we shook up the panel: new faces, new voices!

Come share your narrative! Tell us how you fire up your own Fabulosity! Look for us on Facebook! See you at the forum July 9 ... and bring a friend or two!

Tom Orr is an award-winning lyricist, playwright, performer and producer, best known for “Dirty Little Showtunes!” His new show, “A Crass Act!”, opens Aug. 27 at New Conservatory Theatre Center. He  is at dirtylittleshowtunes@yahoo.com.

Join The Community Initiative at a town forum to continue the conversation about body image and our community. July 9, 7-9:30 p.m., LGBT Center, 1800 Market St. at Octavia. Free Admission! For further information, email info@thecommunityinitiative.org or call 415-820-9606.